December 19, 2014 - Continued...

So there was a teeny Debbie meltdown at the Cancer Center when we arrived this morning.  I was struggling to carry my bag with the heaviest work laptop EVER, all of my folders and my purse, and push Steve gracefully in his wheelchair.  I tried to turn the chair into a treatment room, and the foot rest ran into the door jamb (Clinicians: Are there classes in wheelchair driving?  How does one learn this skill?).  Steve made a noise of discomfort.  Then I tried again and ran the chair into the other side.  Then I did it again. 

At that point, I did the mature thing and took a deep breath and tried again, I said a very bad word...dropped my bag...started crying that I couldn't do it...and peed a little (because I'm really pregnant and apparently all of the excitement pushed it out).  Those nurses are awesome at handling "situations."  I was whisked to another room and given Kleenex and a Diet Coke.  They are really good.  One of the volunteers suggested (in a nice way) that I pull it together because I didn't want to let him see me cry.  I thought to myself, "Lady...Steve has seen this many, many times over the years!"  : )  He might think it was weird if I wasn't crying.  Seriously though, the staff was completely terrific.  They have been incredible, and we are fortunate to have gotten to know many of the wonderful nurses. 

I think part of my freak-out was post drain procedure weirdness this morning.  Because we had to go to the Cancer Center for chemo right afterwards, we left the hospital with Steve pretty out-of-it and in a wheelchair.  I felt kind of alone and worried that he was unsteady.  They also sent us away with a big box that contains the drain instructions.  I found myself really panicked, and I felt as though they stuck the box on top of Steve in his wheelchair, patted me on the rump and said..."Good luck with that!"  In my head, I was thinking...this is too much...this is too much...I can't do this...I'm not strong enough. 

Gotta try more positive affirmations, eh?  : )

So, the chemotherapy took until about 5:30pm.  I left to go get Poppy and then brought her back to the Cancer Center to pick up Steve.  We got home around 6:30.  Some of our Irvington friends dropped by to sing a Christmas Carol and drop off some treats.  It was so sweet!   There was even a Santa Claus in the group!

And then a Home Health nurse visited at 7pm.  She was at our house until about 8:45pm reviewing information about the drain and also the chemotherapy pump.  I listened to her talking, but occasionally my brain started racing, and I just couldn't believe that this was our new reality.  I just cannot grasp all of it sometimes. 

Some of our experiences so far:

• The chemotherapy pump that Steve will wear for two days is SO heavy.  I didn't really expect that. 
• Steve's cough is very grating tonight.  I apologize for defining it this way, but it sounds like horrible retching.  I am attempting to find any of his meds that will help...because I'm sure it is extremely unpleasant for him...and selfishly...it is a little hard to listen to.  We will never get any sleep if it keeps up.   
• Steve is not supposed to get his drain catheter wet, so sadly he will not be able to take his soaks for a while.  I am feeling bad about that.  As you are aware, he enjoys his soaks very much.
• So far, he hasn't had any other side effects.  Everyone involved seems to think that the diarrhea and cold sensitivity are pretty much a given though.  I'm going to hope for the best! 

Have a really good weekend, my friends.
Love to all,
Debbie