New Year's Eve was one of the most heartbreaking days last year. It's crazy to think that was one year ago already. I have made a lifetime of changes since then. I wish he could have heard our little girl talking or feel just one of her hugs.
Every morning after I get her dressed, she charges at me and throws her arms around me for about a minute. It sucks that he never got to experience that.
Anyway, after last New Year's Eve, and re-living all of the memories and tears, I decided to just pick up the kids, come home and pretend it was just like any other day. The truth is, I don't know if I really want to head into a new year that doesn't include Steve. It means that I am drifting further and further from him.
Enough of the moping. On to an important parenting topic...
Is it okay if Poppy just wants to run around naked?
What if she does that at school?
Steve used to take off his pants AS SOON as he walked in the door after work. He would always announce in a grand voice, "Oops! Mah pants fell off!"
To which I would normally roll my eyes.
I'm sure that Steve would think it was a hoot that Poppy's pants "fall off" as well. :)
Thursday, December 31, 2015
Wednesday, December 30, 2015
The Story About Parenting Fail #2 (Literally)
AAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH.
The past couple of days, I have felt like we are heading into a rough patch. From the time Steve died until just a few weeks ago, I was lost. I had a lot of doubts as to whether I would be a good mother...whether I was capable of doing this well on my own.
Every single evening, I was nervous to go home...especially if Oz needed a bottle at the same time Poppy needed to be fed. I was ecstatic if Ozzy was sleeping when we got home. On weekends, I was petrified and almost scared if I had to spend a whole day alone with them. When I was with Steve, we adored our Friday nights and looked forward to the weekends, but for a while after he passed away, I would worry that a weekend was coming.
And then...maybe around November-ish...I started to gain more confidence. Some nights after work, things actually went well. Sometimes, I even felt like maybe we had...fun?...
I got into a routine. I was alone with the babies more than ever, and I realized that I just might be able to do it. It progressed from just 'going through the motions' to actually enjoying our time together.
But the past few days...ugh...the past few days, have been difficult. I worry it is going to be another long winter this year. I was so frustrated with my babies tonight.
When I moved into my new place, I didn't realize how lucky I was that Poppy was already 20 months and pretty trainable at that point. I told her that one kitchen cupboard was hers...that the others were Mommy's...and she listened.
Oz is into everything right now, and it is making me nutty. And that little sucker is pretty quick, too.
So, I got home from work today, and the crying started almost right away. I think Ozzy was really tired. I tried to hurry and wash the bottles and get dinner for both of them. Oz kept opening cabinets that I apparently need to childproof. I blocked the cabinets that he was most interested in, which really angered the little dude. I turned around from washing dishes, and Poppy was sitting on her toilet in the middle of the kitchen. I noticed that she had even removed her diaper.
I tried to be encouraging and excited that she was on the toilet, but I really haven't read anything about potty training and don't even know what I'm doing or how to make this happen. I almost had dinner ready, when Poppy decided to stand beside her potty and pee all over the kitchen floor. She was struggling to wade through it on the laminate floor without falling, so I grabbed her before she slipped and try to keep Ozzy from crawling into it, while reaching with my third hand for a towel.
Poppy then farted, and sat down on the toilet again. At this point, Oz had lost his patience and needed food or bed. I had dinner ready, and wasn't sure how the attempt at a #2 would go...but I was concerned it would end up where #1 did.
I hate to discourage the kid from potty training, but needed to get the dinner process going. Ugh. I really just need time to help her potty train without Oz whining and crawling into kitchen cabinets.
GREAT! Now I'm whining. :) I just want to make sure that I don't fail at this crucial stage. I didn't really think much about all of this ahead of time, but I almost think potty training is going to be harder for me than diapers. It seems really disgusting so far. It also seems as though it could get messy.
Anyway...ready or not...here the next phase comes. I think if I can just get through the next few months...maybe year...
I thought that I had been through the toughest, but I'm starting to get the feeling that since Oz is fully mobile, I am headed for a period of major frustration. Both of the babies need a lot of attention right now. I'm afraid that I'm going to mess one or both up by having to divide my time between them so often. I guess a lot of us had siblings and turned out okay though.
I never really got to experience what it would be like to have Steve here helping me with both of the babies. It's strange thing when you spend your time missing what should have been...missing what you never even had.
The past couple of days, I have felt like we are heading into a rough patch. From the time Steve died until just a few weeks ago, I was lost. I had a lot of doubts as to whether I would be a good mother...whether I was capable of doing this well on my own.
Every single evening, I was nervous to go home...especially if Oz needed a bottle at the same time Poppy needed to be fed. I was ecstatic if Ozzy was sleeping when we got home. On weekends, I was petrified and almost scared if I had to spend a whole day alone with them. When I was with Steve, we adored our Friday nights and looked forward to the weekends, but for a while after he passed away, I would worry that a weekend was coming.
And then...maybe around November-ish...I started to gain more confidence. Some nights after work, things actually went well. Sometimes, I even felt like maybe we had...fun?...
I got into a routine. I was alone with the babies more than ever, and I realized that I just might be able to do it. It progressed from just 'going through the motions' to actually enjoying our time together.
But the past few days...ugh...the past few days, have been difficult. I worry it is going to be another long winter this year. I was so frustrated with my babies tonight.
When I moved into my new place, I didn't realize how lucky I was that Poppy was already 20 months and pretty trainable at that point. I told her that one kitchen cupboard was hers...that the others were Mommy's...and she listened.
Oz is into everything right now, and it is making me nutty. And that little sucker is pretty quick, too.
So, I got home from work today, and the crying started almost right away. I think Ozzy was really tired. I tried to hurry and wash the bottles and get dinner for both of them. Oz kept opening cabinets that I apparently need to childproof. I blocked the cabinets that he was most interested in, which really angered the little dude. I turned around from washing dishes, and Poppy was sitting on her toilet in the middle of the kitchen. I noticed that she had even removed her diaper.
I tried to be encouraging and excited that she was on the toilet, but I really haven't read anything about potty training and don't even know what I'm doing or how to make this happen. I almost had dinner ready, when Poppy decided to stand beside her potty and pee all over the kitchen floor. She was struggling to wade through it on the laminate floor without falling, so I grabbed her before she slipped and try to keep Ozzy from crawling into it, while reaching with my third hand for a towel.
Poppy then farted, and sat down on the toilet again. At this point, Oz had lost his patience and needed food or bed. I had dinner ready, and wasn't sure how the attempt at a #2 would go...but I was concerned it would end up where #1 did.
I hate to discourage the kid from potty training, but needed to get the dinner process going. Ugh. I really just need time to help her potty train without Oz whining and crawling into kitchen cabinets.
GREAT! Now I'm whining. :) I just want to make sure that I don't fail at this crucial stage. I didn't really think much about all of this ahead of time, but I almost think potty training is going to be harder for me than diapers. It seems really disgusting so far. It also seems as though it could get messy.
Anyway...ready or not...here the next phase comes. I think if I can just get through the next few months...maybe year...
I thought that I had been through the toughest, but I'm starting to get the feeling that since Oz is fully mobile, I am headed for a period of major frustration. Both of the babies need a lot of attention right now. I'm afraid that I'm going to mess one or both up by having to divide my time between them so often. I guess a lot of us had siblings and turned out okay though.
I never really got to experience what it would be like to have Steve here helping me with both of the babies. It's strange thing when you spend your time missing what should have been...missing what you never even had.
 |
| New Year's Day 2015 |
The Story About Parenting Fail #1
Oh. My. Gosh.
I am about to gross some of you out, so please just opt out now if you need to. But in the interest of clearing Ozzy's good name, I must go ahead and post this.
I mentioned last week that Oz sometimes smells when I first get him out of his crib in the morning. I assumed that this was just some kind of 'boy odor.' No one commented differently, so I took that as an affirmation that boys are yucky.
Well, Y'ALL!!!!!! It isn't boy smell.
In a 'Dumb Parenting of 2015 Award', I somehow didn't link up the stench with a potential ear infection evidenced by some ear crustiness and weirdness in the mornings. GRO-DEE. (insert gagging sound here)
Sometimes when it comes to parenting, I feel like I'm Helen Keller in the scene where Annie Sullivan is trying to connect sign language with the actual object. Annie holds Helen's hand under a water pump and continuously runs water over it, while signing the word, "water," into her other hand. So, whenever it takes me an extended period of time to understand something, I go around saying, "WAD-DER, WAD-DER, WAD-DER," and make a water pumping motion to poke fun at myself.
Anyway, apparently a baby stinking isn't normal. Who knew?
I feel badly that it took me a minute to catch on, but feeling extremely relieved that this isn't his natural smell. He is a teeny bit easier to smooch when I don't have to hold my breath. :)
Good work, Nancy Drew. Another case solved.
Sorry for sullying your name, sweet Baby Oz.
I am about to gross some of you out, so please just opt out now if you need to. But in the interest of clearing Ozzy's good name, I must go ahead and post this.
I mentioned last week that Oz sometimes smells when I first get him out of his crib in the morning. I assumed that this was just some kind of 'boy odor.' No one commented differently, so I took that as an affirmation that boys are yucky.
Well, Y'ALL!!!!!! It isn't boy smell.
In a 'Dumb Parenting of 2015 Award', I somehow didn't link up the stench with a potential ear infection evidenced by some ear crustiness and weirdness in the mornings. GRO-DEE. (insert gagging sound here)
Sometimes when it comes to parenting, I feel like I'm Helen Keller in the scene where Annie Sullivan is trying to connect sign language with the actual object. Annie holds Helen's hand under a water pump and continuously runs water over it, while signing the word, "water," into her other hand. So, whenever it takes me an extended period of time to understand something, I go around saying, "WAD-DER, WAD-DER, WAD-DER," and make a water pumping motion to poke fun at myself.
Anyway, apparently a baby stinking isn't normal. Who knew?
I feel badly that it took me a minute to catch on, but feeling extremely relieved that this isn't his natural smell. He is a teeny bit easier to smooch when I don't have to hold my breath. :)
Good work, Nancy Drew. Another case solved.
Sorry for sullying your name, sweet Baby Oz.
Tuesday, December 29, 2015
December 29, 2015 - Continued again...
Yesterday, I came full circle. One last step in the reconstruction process. Almost exactly a year and a half after it all started. A year and a half since we first met with the breast surgeon on our third wedding anniversary.
I didn't even think about how hard it would be to go back there. So many memories about that hospital in particular.
It was where I had my first and only mammogram...where I sat in the lobby and sobbed in fear...where we sat in the Surgery Center in stunned silence and learned that we were having a second child...where I took Steve for his fateful CT Scan...where I struggled to push Steve in a wheelchair and carry Poppy and the diaper bag to get her hearing test ...and the final time I was there on March 6, 2015, for Steve's second opinion seven days before he was gone.
The weird thing was that I was so nervous about the procedure, I did not even think about the emotional aspect of the appointment until I arrived and terrible memories came flooding back. It was a very hard afternoon. I missed Steve a lot.
I didn't even think about how hard it would be to go back there. So many memories about that hospital in particular.
It was where I had my first and only mammogram...where I sat in the lobby and sobbed in fear...where we sat in the Surgery Center in stunned silence and learned that we were having a second child...where I took Steve for his fateful CT Scan...where I struggled to push Steve in a wheelchair and carry Poppy and the diaper bag to get her hearing test ...and the final time I was there on March 6, 2015, for Steve's second opinion seven days before he was gone.
The weird thing was that I was so nervous about the procedure, I did not even think about the emotional aspect of the appointment until I arrived and terrible memories came flooding back. It was a very hard afternoon. I missed Steve a lot.
December 29, 2015 - Continued...
I wanted to share a few pictures of the babies enjoying their beautiful gifts. As I've mentioned before, it was sad, but magical as well, and filled with surprises. Thank you.
There are many pictures of Poppy and her new toilet. Primarily because it's been hard to drag her away from that thing. And please don't worry when you see pictures of her placing things in the toilet...we haven't even started learning to use it yet, so the toilet is clean and Poppy is fully diapered.
One more disclaimer...Poppy opened most of Oz' gifts. He was napping for a few hours and gave us permission. :)
There are many pictures of Poppy and her new toilet. Primarily because it's been hard to drag her away from that thing. And please don't worry when you see pictures of her placing things in the toilet...we haven't even started learning to use it yet, so the toilet is clean and Poppy is fully diapered.
One more disclaimer...Poppy opened most of Oz' gifts. He was napping for a few hours and gave us permission. :)
December 29, 2015
While we were down visiting our Laswell Family, Aunt Marti had Poppy help decorate the tree. She had a lot of fun.
Trying to get a picture of all of the grandkids...next to impossible. Poppy kept drifting in-and-out of the shot. Maybe next year...
Trying to get a picture of all of the grandkids...next to impossible. Poppy kept drifting in-and-out of the shot. Maybe next year...
Monday, December 28, 2015
The Story About The Thomas Fight
 |
| Poppy spies Oz on the couch holding Thomas. She leaps up like a cat. "MINE!" |
 |
| She grabs hold of Thomas, and the fight is on! |
 |
| Poppy continues yelling "MINE!" While Oz just squeals like a little pig. He is holding his own. |
 |
| Aaaaaannnnnddddd...Poppy wins this round. But tomorrow is another day! |
December 28, 2015
During the past week, I had some surprises.
My new co-workers had given me several presents for Poppy and Oz already. It was really amazing. I have told you many, many times that my children are lucky babies. I believe that fact wholeheartedly. The outpouring of love from Hancock Regional Hospital staff last year, and the support that my new team at Franciscan St. Francis has given me is just unbelievable.
I don't know that I would have survived without all of these cheerleaders telling me that I can do this...because there is a huge part of me that still doesn't believe that I can. It's kind of scary.
It was so nice of them. They seemed to realize that it would be a tough year in many respects. Even if I had the resources to buy the gifts...going into stores and shopping, wrapping presents and planning a Christmas for the babies was an exhausting thought.
So after giving me the most beautiful and thoughtful presents for the babies, on the 23rd, they presented several gifts that were for me. Can you believe it?
Steve used to love our gift exchanges, and I knew that would be a gap in my holiday this year. It's not that I needed presents...more that I missed having someone to care about me. I was so touched by their presents.
I haven't bought clothes for myself in a long time. I received several new sweaters and shirts and picture frames for my updated family photos. I'm sure that my co-workers will be happy to see some new clothes put into my rotation! Thank you so much, sweet ladies. I have only known you for six months, and it seems so much longer...in a good way! :)
THEN...SHOCKER! I got this text from my sister...
This was a total surprise! I had no idea these gifts were coming. I'm not often COMPLETELY taken off guard, but it was pretty cool during such a hard few weeks to have some really fun and incredible things happen to our family. This card accompanied the presents...
Poppy and Oz received bags of awesome toys and wonderful clothes...there was a walker and train and potty and dollhouse and shoes and DocMcStuffins items and Pull-Ups, and so much more! Oh my gosh...there were so many things that we needed...and many things that we didn't even know we wanted. By the time it was all done, Poppy had really caught on to the whole 'receiving Christmas presents thing.'
I have to go to bed soon, but I hope to post some pictures of the kids with some of their beautiful gifts tomorrow. Poppy got a little Elmo potty seat adapter from my co-workers and then a potty from the Sports Medicine crew. It is perfect, because some kids take to one or the other, I guess. So, I'm relieved to have both on-hand.
It has been SO funny to see Poppy dragging her potty around though. Mind you, we have not talked much about potty training yet, and she has never actually gone in the potty, but it completely grossed me out yesterday. She would take off her shirt and then pants, and then diaper. Then she would put a foot in the potty...and then the other foot. Then she would step out and put Elmo in there, or Thomas. I think that anything she could possibly put in the potty was in there. Yuckers.
Thank you so much to The Smith Family and Methodist Sports Medicine Friends. How incredibly thoughtful to plan out all of that unbeknownst to me. You certainly succeeded in brightening our holiday! We are really grateful!
I also wanted to thank all of you for your holiday greetings, cards and letters. This Christmas, I heard from several friends with whom I had lost contact. Your texts and Facebook messages and gift cards and human contact were lifelines...and continue to be lifelines, as I struggle this week with post-holiday blues and a bit of New Year's sadness.
Amid all of the gift giving and receiving, the Laswell family gave the kiddos and I a family membership to the Children's Museum. I was SO excited. I'm going to muster up the courage to take them there...well, maybe I'll take one to start with (the other one can stay at home and clean)! :) I was also touched when during Christmas at my Mom's place, I received a gift from Poppy to me and a gift from Oz to me. Little rascals must have snuck out!
Still this week, I have received some more surprises in our mailbox. All of you created some special moments...moments in which I could see glimpses of a future path and new traditions that we will have to navigate and create without our Steve. Every kind gesture, big and small, provided hope and much-needed diversion to my still-grieving heart.
My new co-workers had given me several presents for Poppy and Oz already. It was really amazing. I have told you many, many times that my children are lucky babies. I believe that fact wholeheartedly. The outpouring of love from Hancock Regional Hospital staff last year, and the support that my new team at Franciscan St. Francis has given me is just unbelievable.
I don't know that I would have survived without all of these cheerleaders telling me that I can do this...because there is a huge part of me that still doesn't believe that I can. It's kind of scary.
It was so nice of them. They seemed to realize that it would be a tough year in many respects. Even if I had the resources to buy the gifts...going into stores and shopping, wrapping presents and planning a Christmas for the babies was an exhausting thought.
So after giving me the most beautiful and thoughtful presents for the babies, on the 23rd, they presented several gifts that were for me. Can you believe it?
Steve used to love our gift exchanges, and I knew that would be a gap in my holiday this year. It's not that I needed presents...more that I missed having someone to care about me. I was so touched by their presents.
I haven't bought clothes for myself in a long time. I received several new sweaters and shirts and picture frames for my updated family photos. I'm sure that my co-workers will be happy to see some new clothes put into my rotation! Thank you so much, sweet ladies. I have only known you for six months, and it seems so much longer...in a good way! :)
THEN...SHOCKER! I got this text from my sister...
Poppy and Oz received bags of awesome toys and wonderful clothes...there was a walker and train and potty and dollhouse and shoes and DocMcStuffins items and Pull-Ups, and so much more! Oh my gosh...there were so many things that we needed...and many things that we didn't even know we wanted. By the time it was all done, Poppy had really caught on to the whole 'receiving Christmas presents thing.'
I have to go to bed soon, but I hope to post some pictures of the kids with some of their beautiful gifts tomorrow. Poppy got a little Elmo potty seat adapter from my co-workers and then a potty from the Sports Medicine crew. It is perfect, because some kids take to one or the other, I guess. So, I'm relieved to have both on-hand.
It has been SO funny to see Poppy dragging her potty around though. Mind you, we have not talked much about potty training yet, and she has never actually gone in the potty, but it completely grossed me out yesterday. She would take off her shirt and then pants, and then diaper. Then she would put a foot in the potty...and then the other foot. Then she would step out and put Elmo in there, or Thomas. I think that anything she could possibly put in the potty was in there. Yuckers.
Thank you so much to The Smith Family and Methodist Sports Medicine Friends. How incredibly thoughtful to plan out all of that unbeknownst to me. You certainly succeeded in brightening our holiday! We are really grateful!
I also wanted to thank all of you for your holiday greetings, cards and letters. This Christmas, I heard from several friends with whom I had lost contact. Your texts and Facebook messages and gift cards and human contact were lifelines...and continue to be lifelines, as I struggle this week with post-holiday blues and a bit of New Year's sadness.
Amid all of the gift giving and receiving, the Laswell family gave the kiddos and I a family membership to the Children's Museum. I was SO excited. I'm going to muster up the courage to take them there...well, maybe I'll take one to start with (the other one can stay at home and clean)! :) I was also touched when during Christmas at my Mom's place, I received a gift from Poppy to me and a gift from Oz to me. Little rascals must have snuck out!
Still this week, I have received some more surprises in our mailbox. All of you created some special moments...moments in which I could see glimpses of a future path and new traditions that we will have to navigate and create without our Steve. Every kind gesture, big and small, provided hope and much-needed diversion to my still-grieving heart.
Sunday, December 27, 2015
December 27, 2015
My poor baby Poppy. She is coughing and coughing and coughing. She can't really get any sleep. I keep trying to give her honey...I've heard that helps?...and I have a Vick's humidifier by her bed. She just keeps coughing though.
Nothing is working, and I just want her to be able to get some sleep. She is in her room whimpering and kicking right now.
On a positive note, our four day weekend was fun. We had a wonderful time at the cabins, a great time with my sisters and Mom, and a nice, relaxing day at home today.
Poppy has stopped coughing, and I am afraid to type more...or even move. If it starts up again, I may freak out.
I have been a bit of a slacker on my blogging lately but have some fun updates to share about special Christmas elves that surprised us. More tomorrow...
Nothing is working, and I just want her to be able to get some sleep. She is in her room whimpering and kicking right now.
On a positive note, our four day weekend was fun. We had a wonderful time at the cabins, a great time with my sisters and Mom, and a nice, relaxing day at home today.
Poppy has stopped coughing, and I am afraid to type more...or even move. If it starts up again, I may freak out.
I have been a bit of a slacker on my blogging lately but have some fun updates to share about special Christmas elves that surprised us. More tomorrow...
Saturday, December 26, 2015
December 26, 2015
What a fun and exhausting long weekend this has been! The babies and I went to visit Steve's family for a couple of days. And today, we visited with my side.
Oh my goodness. I am falling asleep while I'm trying to type, and it's only a bit after 10pm. I am going to bed!
Good night.
Oh my goodness. I am falling asleep while I'm trying to type, and it's only a bit after 10pm. I am going to bed!
Good night.
Friday, December 25, 2015
The Story About The Empty Chair
I will be sure to post pictures of the babies enjoying Christmas and antagonizing each other in the near future. Today, I am missing the guy who used to fill this chair.
The Story About Recycling
Have a peaceful day!
Love, Debbie, Poppy & Oz
*****************************************************************
Elf "Uniform" - December 2014 - Poppy
Elf "Uniform" - December 2015 -Oz
Love, Debbie, Poppy & Oz
*****************************************************************
Elf "Uniform" - December 2014 - Poppy
Elf "Uniform" - December 2015 -Oz
Thursday, December 24, 2015
The Story About Excitement
Poppy and Ozzy,
It was really funny when your Daddy would get excited about Christmas presents or something else thrilling to him.
He would do this hilarious little jog step (you'll have to ask me to demonstrate sometime, but I might not do it justice). And while he was dancing, he would yell out, "Ooohhh! Oooohhhh! Oooohhh!"
The only way I can describe it...it's like when you have something you want to share with the class, and you raise your hand and wave it wildly, but to get the teacher to call on you faster, you make accompanying annoying noises.
I wish I had it on video.
I guess the reason that I was thinking of this spectacle this morning was that I thought of how excited he would have been getting presents wrapped and ready for you guys. He was a big kid!
I bet that he would have been doing his little jig and saying, "Can we please let them open just one today?? Oooohhh! Oooohhh! Ooooohhh!"
Love you both very much.
-Mommy
It was really funny when your Daddy would get excited about Christmas presents or something else thrilling to him.
He would do this hilarious little jog step (you'll have to ask me to demonstrate sometime, but I might not do it justice). And while he was dancing, he would yell out, "Ooohhh! Oooohhhh! Oooohhh!"
The only way I can describe it...it's like when you have something you want to share with the class, and you raise your hand and wave it wildly, but to get the teacher to call on you faster, you make accompanying annoying noises.
I wish I had it on video.
I guess the reason that I was thinking of this spectacle this morning was that I thought of how excited he would have been getting presents wrapped and ready for you guys. He was a big kid!
I bet that he would have been doing his little jig and saying, "Can we please let them open just one today?? Oooohhh! Oooohhh! Ooooohhh!"
Love you both very much.
-Mommy
Wednesday, December 23, 2015
December 23, 2015 - Continued...
I'm just going to put this out there.
Sometimes, when I get Oz out of his crib in the morning, he smells weird.
And it isn't poop.
I'm not sure what it is. Could be slobber. But I'm afraid it might just be boy odor. Do they have a different smell than girls?
I wish Steve were here to get me through the "understanding a male" stuff.
Sometimes, when I get Oz out of his crib in the morning, he smells weird.
And it isn't poop.
I'm not sure what it is. Could be slobber. But I'm afraid it might just be boy odor. Do they have a different smell than girls?
I wish Steve were here to get me through the "understanding a male" stuff.
December 23, 2015
Are there ever people in your life who say the exact right thing to make you cry?
I don't mean in a bad way...there's just something they say that strikes a chord, for whatever reason. It's something that has been there...beneath the surface...
Since Steve passed away, I've generally held it together swimmingly. Most days, it seems as though I am still married...I talk about him all the time in normal conversation...I tell funny stories about things he did. I keep crazy busy at work...most of the time not even stopping for lunch, and then I keep crazy busy at home...most of the time just eating the rest of picky Poppy's plate. There really isn't much time to be sad or reflective.
But today, a volunteer stopped by my office. She recently found out about Steve. She said that she knew the holidays would be hard, but he would be watching us. And that really made me start crying.
"Don't you think that he's watching over you?" she asked.
I shook my head, "No...I guess...maybe...I don't know," I said, biting my lip.
"Well, I do," she emphatically told me. "He'll always love you."
And later, on the way to daycare, as I recalled the conversation, I cursed the warm and sunny weather that was making my tears fog my sunglasses until I couldn't see.
I don't mean in a bad way...there's just something they say that strikes a chord, for whatever reason. It's something that has been there...beneath the surface...
Since Steve passed away, I've generally held it together swimmingly. Most days, it seems as though I am still married...I talk about him all the time in normal conversation...I tell funny stories about things he did. I keep crazy busy at work...most of the time not even stopping for lunch, and then I keep crazy busy at home...most of the time just eating the rest of picky Poppy's plate. There really isn't much time to be sad or reflective.
But today, a volunteer stopped by my office. She recently found out about Steve. She said that she knew the holidays would be hard, but he would be watching us. And that really made me start crying.
"Don't you think that he's watching over you?" she asked.
I shook my head, "No...I guess...maybe...I don't know," I said, biting my lip.
"Well, I do," she emphatically told me. "He'll always love you."
And later, on the way to daycare, as I recalled the conversation, I cursed the warm and sunny weather that was making my tears fog my sunglasses until I couldn't see.
Monday, December 21, 2015
December 21, 2015
On December 21, 2014, I was determined that we would finally get it right.
Steve absolutely adored Luminaria Night in Irvington. Every year, many of the residents of Irvington put out luminaries all along their front walkways and sidewalks. Generally, there are carolers roaming, and it is such a peaceful night. Sometimes we would drive around...sometimes we would take a walk with Gussie.
For several years, we would be on our way home from a Sunday outing, and suddenly Steve would realize that he hadn't picked up luminary supplies and get really upset. He always wanted to take part, and we never got it quite right. Kind of par for the course with us!
Last year, I vowed to get plenty of supplies and make it amazing for him. He didn't even feel like leaving the house, but with my Mom's help watching Poppy, I got all of the bags set up with sand and candles. I worked really hard, and it looked so pretty, but like many of my memories of the past year, right now it is painful to think about.
Unfortunately, it seemed impossible for me to fully enjoy the present when the future was looming so darkly. I just wish that he was still here. I wish that we had many more years of his beloved Luminaria Night.
Steve absolutely adored Luminaria Night in Irvington. Every year, many of the residents of Irvington put out luminaries all along their front walkways and sidewalks. Generally, there are carolers roaming, and it is such a peaceful night. Sometimes we would drive around...sometimes we would take a walk with Gussie.
For several years, we would be on our way home from a Sunday outing, and suddenly Steve would realize that he hadn't picked up luminary supplies and get really upset. He always wanted to take part, and we never got it quite right. Kind of par for the course with us!
Last year, I vowed to get plenty of supplies and make it amazing for him. He didn't even feel like leaving the house, but with my Mom's help watching Poppy, I got all of the bags set up with sand and candles. I worked really hard, and it looked so pretty, but like many of my memories of the past year, right now it is painful to think about.
Unfortunately, it seemed impossible for me to fully enjoy the present when the future was looming so darkly. I just wish that he was still here. I wish that we had many more years of his beloved Luminaria Night.
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| Poppy & Grandma looking at the luminaries 12 21 14 |
Sunday, December 20, 2015
December 20, 2015
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| Moose Poppy |
Last night, I heard my Poppy start crying at 2am. She rarely cries during the night now, so I waited a few moments to make sure it was a "real" one. You totally know what I mean.
It seemed to be real, so I went to her room and scooped her up. She was pretty stoked to see me and appeared far too awake. That alarmed me since I felt incredibly tired.
I decided to try letting her sleep in my bed. That was a really bad call. She tossed and turned and wiggled and jiggled and chatted. I gave up and turned on some Thomas for her thinking that might keep her still and occupied.
I would drift into a bit of sleep and would constantly be awakened by..."UH-OH!", "UH-OH MOMMY." Unfortunately this generation has learned that commercials can be fast-forwarded and are not to be tolerated. Then, just as I was drifting off again, I would hear a noise and open my eyes to find the little sneak trying to climb down out of bed.
At 4am, I decided the experiment had been thoroughly tested and was over. She and I will probably like each other a whole lot better if we stick to our own cribs!
In other Poppy News...she has started to follow some directions at times, which is kind of nice. She helps clean up toys and takes her dishes to the sink. If she has a lot of milk left in her cup in the morning, she likes to put it back in the fridge.
This morning, I asked her if she needed to put her milk in the fridge before we left. I guess I was in a hurry and didn't watch what she was doing. We might need some instruction on "pantry" versus "fridge." I found her milk as I was putting away a few groceries tonight. :)
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Saturday, December 19, 2015
December 19, 2015
In 2010 on this day, Steve and I went to a Colts game with Bren and Andrew. That was always such fun. I remember it was really cold!
Just a few weeks before that, Brenda and Andrew had gotten married in Florida. I guess that attending their wedding got my brain into marriage mode. I remember giving him a hard time at the end of the day about whether marriage was something he wanted or not...blah...blah...blah :). I'm sure that this is the conversation every man dreads!
He really did need to get it into gear though...I was an awesome catch!
Little did I know, the next evening he would propose...December 20, 2010.
Just a few weeks before that, Brenda and Andrew had gotten married in Florida. I guess that attending their wedding got my brain into marriage mode. I remember giving him a hard time at the end of the day about whether marriage was something he wanted or not...blah...blah...blah :). I'm sure that this is the conversation every man dreads!
He really did need to get it into gear though...I was an awesome catch!
Little did I know, the next evening he would propose...December 20, 2010.
Friday, December 18, 2015
December 18, 2015
Poppy's holiday party was a repeat of the Halloween party.
I ran from work to the daycare just a block away at 2:00pm. I'm afraid that I'm not fostering enough independence or something, because all of the other kiddies are able to leave their parents for a second and go and eat snacks at the little tables.
Poppy is stuck to me like glue! She's always so afraid I'm going to leave, that it takes a while for her to get comfortable.
I love that kid. So far the "twos" haven't been very "terrible"; however, I guess we are only a couple weeks in.
By the way...it was Pajama Day at school! I promise.
I ran from work to the daycare just a block away at 2:00pm. I'm afraid that I'm not fostering enough independence or something, because all of the other kiddies are able to leave their parents for a second and go and eat snacks at the little tables.
Poppy is stuck to me like glue! She's always so afraid I'm going to leave, that it takes a while for her to get comfortable.
I love that kid. So far the "twos" haven't been very "terrible"; however, I guess we are only a couple weeks in.
By the way...it was Pajama Day at school! I promise.
Thursday, December 17, 2015
The Story About Believing
Do you ever think that there really might be a Santa Claus? I never believed in Santa as a child, but as an adult...it seems possible.
I always liked the end of the television Christmas special, Yes, Virginia...there is a Santa Claus. The letter that the editor of The New York Sun writes to Virginia -- a little girl questioning the existence of Santa Claus -- is beautiful.
This year, the spirit of Santa Claus has existed for me in many ways...the volunteers at the hospital who often have little extra to spend, but excitedly gave each other small and meaningful cards and gifts today...the daycare teachers who donated precious spare time to make crafts for parents...the daily boost I've received this week from a sweet pal...the notes and letters I've retrieved from the mailbox giving updates about old friends and new acquaintances...the photographs generously given to me that will always serve as a memorial of what was, and a reminder of good times in the present...
And today, when I pulled up to the condo at 5:45pm and tiredly prepared to make my three trips back and forth from the car to the house, I suddenly saw it in the corner by the garage. And I knew that Santa had visited us early.
You might think I'm crazy...but he dropped his hat, so I know it was him.
It was a tree. A beautiful Christmas tree. And it had lights and was fully decorated and child-friendly, complete with tree skirt. Even though I thought I didn't want a tree, it made me really happy to see it. I seriously could not believe my eyes.
So I ran back and forth with a new spring in my step, carting babies and bags in, put Oz in a safe location and ran outside to bring our tree inside. It's so pretty...and full of soft things that babies can chew on! :)
I'm glad we have it. I guess Santa knew that we needed a bit of help this year.
But you know...we've experienced a little bit of magic, as well. Thank you for giving us the magic and for making us believe.
We needed that.
I always liked the end of the television Christmas special, Yes, Virginia...there is a Santa Claus. The letter that the editor of The New York Sun writes to Virginia -- a little girl questioning the existence of Santa Claus -- is beautiful.
This year, the spirit of Santa Claus has existed for me in many ways...the volunteers at the hospital who often have little extra to spend, but excitedly gave each other small and meaningful cards and gifts today...the daycare teachers who donated precious spare time to make crafts for parents...the daily boost I've received this week from a sweet pal...the notes and letters I've retrieved from the mailbox giving updates about old friends and new acquaintances...the photographs generously given to me that will always serve as a memorial of what was, and a reminder of good times in the present...
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| The babies enjoyed my new slippers tonight! |
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| Oz made me these coasters. Poppy needs to get her act together! |
And today, when I pulled up to the condo at 5:45pm and tiredly prepared to make my three trips back and forth from the car to the house, I suddenly saw it in the corner by the garage. And I knew that Santa had visited us early.
You might think I'm crazy...but he dropped his hat, so I know it was him.
It was a tree. A beautiful Christmas tree. And it had lights and was fully decorated and child-friendly, complete with tree skirt. Even though I thought I didn't want a tree, it made me really happy to see it. I seriously could not believe my eyes.
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| All set up and ready to go in front of the garage! |
I'm glad we have it. I guess Santa knew that we needed a bit of help this year.
"Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy."We have certainly experienced a lot of heartbreaking tragedy this year...
But you know...we've experienced a little bit of magic, as well. Thank you for giving us the magic and for making us believe.
We needed that.
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Wednesday, December 16, 2015
The Story About Organic Solutions
I was cleaning out the garage on Saturday. When I was trying to pack up the Layman House, I just ended up throwing stuff into boxes, and placing them in the garage here until I could deal with them. It is always a mental and emotional challenge to go through our old belongings and daydreaming about precious moments from the past.
Steve was determined to do yard work as organically as he could. He looked up natural concoctions to kill weeds a couple of years ago. He mixed up the ingredients and put them in this container, carefully marking it "Poison Only."
He was very worried that we would get confused and use the container for something else, so it was only this weekend when I saw the additional warning that he had written on the other side. I guess that he thought this would grab our attention even more. :)
There will never be another like him.
Steve was determined to do yard work as organically as he could. He looked up natural concoctions to kill weeds a couple of years ago. He mixed up the ingredients and put them in this container, carefully marking it "Poison Only."
He was very worried that we would get confused and use the container for something else, so it was only this weekend when I saw the additional warning that he had written on the other side. I guess that he thought this would grab our attention even more. :)
There will never be another like him.
December 16, 2015
There was ANOTHER Diet Mountain Dew at Entrance 12 today...and a "D" mug with candy and a very thoughtful card. I think my co-workers are enjoying the suspense as well.
You know what was totally extra cool though...I work with a woman named Erica. She is just a bundle of energy and makes me laugh. I wish I was that young again! Anyway...today after I picked up my surprise, she stopped by my office to ask about it. Then she said that she wanted to do something like that next year for someone else. I thought that was really cool that she was inspired by the kindness that I've experienced.
So that was a nice moment for me today.
You know what was totally extra cool though...I work with a woman named Erica. She is just a bundle of energy and makes me laugh. I wish I was that young again! Anyway...today after I picked up my surprise, she stopped by my office to ask about it. Then she said that she wanted to do something like that next year for someone else. I thought that was really cool that she was inspired by the kindness that I've experienced.
So that was a nice moment for me today.
Tuesday, December 15, 2015
December 15, 2015 - Continued...
Today I spent a great deal of time in the Emergency Department...not for personal reasons. It seems so sad there to me now. It's pretty overwhelming for my emotions. After sitting idle there for four hours, I was having flashbacks.
However, I did have a high point to the day! My 'Secret Pal' dropped off another surprise for me. I was shocked.
Who are you? And why are you so nice to me? :) I think my co-workers are getting a kick out of how excited I've gotten both days.
There was an anonymous individual last year that gave me surprises and encouraging notes on 'sock monkey' postcards. Today's holiday gift bag featured a sock monkey.
Coincidence????
Doubtful. Sock Monkey lovers are a small segment of the population, I would think. But what are the chances that the Sock Monkey Secret Pal traveled to Greenfield and now travels to Southport? That's a really long haul for someone to bring holiday cheer.
On the other hand...Santa does it. So, it isn't out of the question...
You must tell me who you are so that I can thank you for giving me some happy moments this week. I have a feeling that you aren't going to tell me though. :)
Happy holidays, Secret Pal.
However, I did have a high point to the day! My 'Secret Pal' dropped off another surprise for me. I was shocked.
Who are you? And why are you so nice to me? :) I think my co-workers are getting a kick out of how excited I've gotten both days.
There was an anonymous individual last year that gave me surprises and encouraging notes on 'sock monkey' postcards. Today's holiday gift bag featured a sock monkey.
Coincidence????
Doubtful. Sock Monkey lovers are a small segment of the population, I would think. But what are the chances that the Sock Monkey Secret Pal traveled to Greenfield and now travels to Southport? That's a really long haul for someone to bring holiday cheer.
On the other hand...Santa does it. So, it isn't out of the question...
You must tell me who you are so that I can thank you for giving me some happy moments this week. I have a feeling that you aren't going to tell me though. :)
Happy holidays, Secret Pal.
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| Sock Monkey Gift Bag 12 15 15 |
December 15, 2015
Shelly came to our home three weeks before Steve passed away. She took some precious pictures of our family of four. I will always appreciate the talent she has shared while expecting nothing in return.
The first time I met Shelly, it was under very different circumstances. When Poppy was six weeks old...in January 2014...she captured a couple of treasured pictures in a Valentine's Day Mini-Session with Ashlynn and Megan.
And then the February 2015 family pictures...the last pictures taken of us all together.
And last week, she made time in her crazy holiday schedule to see us again. This wonderful lady has a studio in Greenwood. I wish I had known Shelly under different circumstances...but also grateful that she played a role in the lives of each member of my family this year. Down the road, I am certain that Poppy and Oz will appreciate these glimpses of their early childhood.
I will post more in the future, but also wanted to provide the link to Shelly's Website, in case you need a photographer down the road...http://storybookphotographybyshelly.com/
Happy Holidays and gratitude to Shelly...and to all of you who have shown us compassion over the past year!
The first time I met Shelly, it was under very different circumstances. When Poppy was six weeks old...in January 2014...she captured a couple of treasured pictures in a Valentine's Day Mini-Session with Ashlynn and Megan.
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| January 2014 |
And then the February 2015 family pictures...the last pictures taken of us all together.
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| February 2015 |
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| February 2015 |
And last week, she made time in her crazy holiday schedule to see us again. This wonderful lady has a studio in Greenwood. I wish I had known Shelly under different circumstances...but also grateful that she played a role in the lives of each member of my family this year. Down the road, I am certain that Poppy and Oz will appreciate these glimpses of their early childhood.
I will post more in the future, but also wanted to provide the link to Shelly's Website, in case you need a photographer down the road...http://storybookphotographybyshelly.com/
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| December 2015 |
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