The Story About The Nuisance

I took the babies to my Mom's house yesterday afternoon to play for a bit.  My sister, Brenda, was stopping by with her two girls as well -- Megan and Meredith.

Megan was getting pretty frustrated with Oz a couple of times throughout the day...and in all fairness, she was tired.  Whenever Oz got close to her and tried to take one of the toys she had nearby, she would scream.  Sometimes even when he wasn't going for her toys, she would wail.

It was really pretty funny to see her dramatic reaction. Oz didn't seem bothered by her screams in the slightest.  He just kept on being annoying.  I got a few photographs, but decided to stop when I got the major stinkeye from Megan.  She has THE most awesome stinkeye.

The first picture, he was just SO proud of himself.  And then in the next few, Megan took off to escape to the middle of a bed where he couldn't reach, but he just stayed there and waited for any sign of weakness.

These kids crack me up.  I'd love to have their problems.  :)

February 28, 2016

Last weekend, I thought Poppy might be coming down with a cold or ear infection or something.  I wanted to make sure she was feeling okay.

When she woke up, I asked her whether her throat hurt.  She said no.  I asked her whether her head hurt.  She said no.  I asked her whether her ears hurt.  She said no. 

I began to worry that maybe she was just giving the same answer to everything, but not really getting the gist of the questions.  I have no clue what she comprehends. 

So, I decided to test her. 

"Poppy, do you know that Mommy loves you very much?" I asked.

"Yeah," she answered immediately and smiled a million-watt smile at me.  I decided she wasn't sick then and moved on. 

February 27, 2016 - Continued...

Oz is the easiest baby to feed.  He enjoys so many vegetables.  Definitely not as neat as Poppy was though :). 

February 27, 2016

This morning the babies and I played for a couple of hours after they woke up at 6am.  By 8:30am, Oz was grouchy and ready for a nap.  I went to put him down in his crib and then got comfortable on the love seat and watched Poppy play.  I was very tired and must have dozed off accidentally for just a moment.

All of a sudden, my eyes flew open when I heard a soft and sweet, "Mommy?" and adorable Poppy was standing right in front of my face holding something an inch away from my nose.

Groggily, I stared at it for a second before horror set in.

Get a hold of yourself, Debbie.  You don't want to scar her for life.   It's fine.   TO-TALLY cool, calm and collected.  Yep...yeah...oh God...I think it's a turd.  Not weird, AT ALL.  

"Good girl, sweetie," I stammered as I tried to get up and avoid touching it. 

Please do not hand it to me.  Please do not hand it to me.  Please do not hand it to me. This is reminding me of the time my dog proudly brought me a mouse and I screamed.  I have to do better this time.  Aim for no psychological damage for either of us. 

She tossed it on the floor, and I quickly and calmly retrieved it with a napkin. 

I did very well today!  However...I would strongly discourage you from observing the Five-Second Rule at my place. 

February 26, 2016

For many years of my life I was focused on finding a mate.  I thought that was the only way to be happy.  Obviously a bad and desperate approach to relationships and life.

I made many, many horrible decisions.  I was lucky to meet Stephen.  It's not that our relationship was perfect...or I was perfect...or he was perfect.  Au contraire, mon frere!  Steve always said that he had demons.  And I do, as well.  I don't know what the future would have held for us.  I would have liked to find out.  He was my best friend.

I especially miss him in the year of debates and elections and politics.  We had the best time watching all of the Presidential Election Year chaos.  We could talk into the wee hours of the night.  Sometimes I loved to play Devil's Advocate just to get him more riled up.  I can't believe the world is moving on without him.  

Since Steve died, there are some things I like less about myself and some things I like better.  And maybe in the last category, I have mustered up a strength I didn't know I possessed.  I honestly did not believe that I could be a good mother to these two crazies.  And some days, I'm probably not the best mom...but I'm figuring it out...slowly...I think. 

In addition, for the very first time in my adult life, I don't care about having a partner.  I have a purpose beyond myself.  My two little ones and their safety and happiness are my priorities. 

Steve and I loved each other.  I never worried that he would leave me or cheat on me.  Ever.  To have complete trust was a great feeling.  I try to remember that I was lucky to have it one time...some people don't even get that. 

Good night all.  

February 25, 2016 - Continued...

I mentioned that I had more stories from the weekend.  Tonight I wanted to share a photograph of the group.  Poppy is hidden from view, but she is there in my arms. 

2 21 16

February 25, 2016

They call us the Pigtail Gang.  You best roll on, cuz me and my girls will take you down.

Poppy and her posse  2 25 16

February 24, 2016

Today was a roller coaster.

When I got home from work, the kids were playing pretty well together, so I focused on getting some dinner.  I ran into the laundry room quickly to throw some clothes in the washer.  I didn't realize that Poppy was right behind me.  When I popped back out of the room, I closed the door tightly since there are items in there that aren't baby proofed for Oz yet.

Poppy screamed out and cried, and it was only then that I realized that her fingers had been by the door hinge.  Ugh.  She got pinched pretty badly.  I felt terrible.  There is a big mark on her fingernail and two of her pudgy fingers are all red and smushed.  Poor kiddo.

While that was happening, and I was comforting her, Oz walked over to a dining room chair in his walker and pulled it over into his head.  I never really knew why you walk into some houses and the dining room chairs are all lying down on the floor.  Now I know.  Poppy never overturned chairs.  He is making me nutty.

I got everyone eating and calmed down a little.  After dinner was finished, we played for a while.  Since Oz started standing, they are fighting and "arguing" so much more.  Constant supervision is necessary!

After rolling a ball and making picnics for Olaf and Elmo, I needed to try to print out some forms for taxes, so I logged onto my computer to bring up the necessary documents.  Poppy saw the wallpaper on the computer desktop.  It is a picture of her and Steve.  She pointed to herself and said, "Oz."  Then she gestured toward Steve and said, "Daddy."  I stared at her and asked her to repeat what she had said.  "Daddy," she smiled.  She probably said it about five more times.

It was strange that she knew that.  I have told her just a couple of times that the guy in the picture is Daddy.  I cannot believe she retained it.  It was such a sweet moment to hear her saying that.  Made me sad that he wasn't here to enjoy her calling him 'Daddy.'

Kids are pretty amazing.

And then in the not-so-amazing category...

Oz would not let me change his diaper without a fight tonight.  He is super strong and fought me every step of the way.  He kicks and rolls and whines.  So frustrating.

Each time I try to change his diaper, he just wants to stay naked and play with himself.  It is totally gross.  Is this normal behavior?

I have tried pleading with him, "Dude, quit playing with your penis."  But so far, no dice.  I feel ill-equipped to handle this one.  I'm hoping he will lose interest soon. 

February 23, 2016

And all of a sudden, my world has changed again.

I feel like every couple of weeks we hit a new stage.  I bet many of you are saying..."Welcome to parenthood." 

During the weekend, Ozzy spent a lot of time almost standing.  Kind of in a 'proposal' position on one knee.  Then yesterday, he finally did it!  He started standing.  He looks like a big boy now.

This new development has made things a tad difficult.  He's a weasel-y kid anyway, so this creates extra trouble. 

Tonight after work, Poppy ran to the bathroom.  When I went to check on her, she kept saying, "Away.  Away.  Away."  So I told her to let me know when she needed help. 

I went back into the bathroom a few minutes later to find urine on the floor (it was really, really close to the toilet though!) and a #2 in the hallway.  As I was trying to keep Oz away from our bio-hazards, Poppy decided that she needed assistance right then. 

I went to change Poppy's diaper, and I heard Oz crying harder than usual.  I got Poppy's diaper in place and raced to find Oz.  He was only a few feet away, but had tried standing up and fallen head first into a fabric cubicle storage bin that was holding his toys.  He was stuck there with his little legs in the air.

If he wouldn't have seemed so scared, it might have been a teeny bit funny.

February 22, 2016

While we were down in Crawford County, Poppy decided that the enclosure that Jeffrey and Marti have for their cute new puppy, Bella, was a great place to hang out. 

She crawled in through the door, put drinks and snacks in there, played with toys, read books, cleaned the floor with a wipe, and guarded it to keep Ozzy out. 

Oz would try repeatedly to pull the door open, and Poppy would try to keep it closed.  "NO!  MY house, Oss.  MY house," was the cry heard all weekend.

Why can't it be this easy at home?  

The Story About The Road Trip Game

I have several things to share about this past weekend but limited time this evening.  I need to get a bit more sleep tonight than last night!  Poppy had a period of restlessness at 1:00am, and I so wanted to be irritated...but it was all worthwhile when she woke up this morning, opened her eyes, sweetly said, "Mommy?" and then gave me a big kiss right on the lips.  It was slobbery and adorable.

It was a really nice couple of days spent with the Laswells down in Crawford County.  I will post a picture or two this week.  When I was driving back this afternoon, I had a memory of another drive back years ago.

Over the eight years we were together, we made that drive many times.  We were always looking for ways to pass the time more quickly and make it fun.  On one particular trip, Steve suggested that we count the number of boats that we saw on the way home.  Whoever tallied the most boats on their side of the car/road would be the winner!

Yeah...sometimes we had stimulating conversation...sometimes not :).  We always had fun though.

As we passed by the Lake Monroe vicinity, Steve was feeling confident that he would win.  But shortly, we passed by a boat repair shop on my side.  As soon as we saw it, we looked at each other. I started to seat-dance and Steve objected vehemently.

"YOU are a poor loser!" I laughed.  "You cannot change the rules now!  I am a WIN-NAH, and you are a LOSE-AH!" I gleefully trilled.

I'm sure I wasn't annoying at all. 

And that is how I won the boat-counting contest...and also why we never played again. 

The Story About Protectiveness

Daycare was serving Filet of Sole the other day.

Sorry, couldn't resist.  Too easy, I know :). 

The Story About Former and Latter

I don't think I've shared this little tidbit before.

Steve could never remember what the words "former" and "latter" meant.  There was constant confusion when he used the wrong one.  I'm not into correcting people when it isn't necessary, so I didn't care at all...but it frustrated him that he couldn't recall which was which.

Then one day, I told him that he could jog his memory by saying, "Former-First...Latter-Last."

And after that, he always got it right.  I thought it was cute when I'd hear him saying those words to himself for translation purposes. 

February 18, 2016

Steve got along with my Dad very well.

Several summers ago, we were sitting out on the back patio chatting with Dad.  In my adult years, for better or worse, I've gotten very honest with my parents.  I tend to tell it like it is. 

We conversed about so many different topics that day, as we always tended to do when my father was visiting.  The afternoon began with Dad telling us about a trip to Australia that he was dreaming of taking and then switched to politics and religion and football and more. 

As day turned into evening, Dad mentioned something that I viewed with a great deal of skepticism, and I told him so.  That did not go over well.  Finally, obviously annoyed by his smart-ass daughter, my Dad said to us, "Well, Deb, maybe I'll just take Steve to Australia with me then." 

Poor Dad.  Instead of the intended effect, I spent most of the rest of the evening saying things like, "O.K., you guys have fun with that!  I hope you enjoy the LLLLOOOOONNNNGGGG flight together."

And for many months after that, I would ask Steve when he and my Dad were leaving for Australia. 

Stephen got along with everyone.  It was one of his most endearing qualities, I think. 

February 17, 2016

I have a list of about ten people with whom I need to communicate...some of them thank yous...some just checking in. 

But...as guilty as I feel about it...I am going to catch up on a bit of sleep tonight. 

In the past couple of days, I have been so distracted that I've started to get out of our car without putting it into park.  I haven't ever done that before. 

Plus, a small disagreement with my local Post Office has worn me down.  They have lost a package of mine.  It was put in a parcel locker, and they gave someone else the key. 

I left the conversation frustrated and exhausted.  There is absolutely no accountability.  If USPS loses your package, you will be lucky to get a 'sorry.'  No resolution.  No follow-up. No reimbursement. No service recovery. 

I SO wish that I didn't need them. 

In more upbeat news, Oz has two words.  'Row' is one of them...in honor of his Row the Boat game he plays with Aunt Brenda, and 'Bye'. 

He is a genius.  : )

February 16, 2016

I think I'm a weird Mom.  For a person who has children, I don't have a lot of tolerance of other children. 

On Sunday at the Jump 'n' Play where we took Megan and Poppy, there was a GI-NORMOUS slide.  Initially, Poppy was frightened of all of it.  The bounce houses were huge.  The generators made a deafening amount of noise, and it was a bit overwhelming. 

But she warmed up when she caught sight of that slide...and when she saw Megan tackling it.  To go up to the top of the slide, you had to hold on to handles and slowly climb up rungs.  Poppy couldn't quite crawl up to the next step, so Brenda or I would lift and gently shove her up to the next rung.  The process took a while, and after a couple of rounds of that, I was slowing down and feeling the burn!

There was a kid that I really wasn't digging.  I first noticed him while Aunt Brenda was helping me out for a round of hoisting Poppy up the slide.  This kid had no patience whatsoever, he was coming up on Megan, Bren and Poppy quickly.  I mentioned to our friend, Heather, that in a second, he was going to - quite literally - be in Brenda's butt.  

By adulthood, most of us have developed a socially acceptable body buffer zone.  I guess you have to learn somehow...but seriously, I would have never dreamed of trying to rush an adult with a toddler...even when I was a young lass. 

Anyway, during my next turn assisting the girls, this same kid comes zipping up from behind.  I was ready for him though.  I positioned myself squarely in the middle of the climbing rungs. 

"SCUZ ME!" he yelled.

I pretended I didn't hear him. 

"SCUZ ME!" he bellowed again. 

I turned around and acknowledged him this time, but refused to back down.  You see, 'Scuz Me' does not give you a free pass to act like a little jerk. 

So, he was forced to go at our pace, and in the end, we must have won him over, since he wanted to go down the slide with his new friends, Megan and Poppy.  

February 15, 2016

It is always fun to see Poppy and Oz with their cousins.  They are lucky to have several "older" cousins (pre-teen to teen), and then a gaggle of same-age cousins.

When I was young, I LOVED it when we saw my cousins.  At this point in my life...and with all that has transpired, I'm very grateful to live geographically close to both sides of my family.  I couldn't make it without them.  It is important for our children to know that they have loads of people to depend on for love and support.

If you haven't seen your cousins for a while be sure to give them a snuggle the next time you see them!  After all, usually they are the only ones who really and truly understand how weird your parents and their siblings are.

I adore this picture that my Mom took back in December.  Poppy's face cracks me up.  I love these little girls...and all of their cousins not pictured :). 

(L-R) Poppy, Megan and Meredith.  December 2015

February 14, 2016

Wow...this was a full weekend.

On Friday, I attended Poppy's Valentine's Day party.  She seemed to have a lot of fun and spent quite a bit of time looking through her bag of notes and candy.  I love it when I ask her if she had a good time, and she enthusiastically says, "YEAH!" 

FYI...For the sake of being a good role model, I am trying to say 'yes' instead of 'yeah' more often, but in the meantime, it is pretty adorable when she says it. 

So, she and I partied it up and then I crouched down as we left the daycare and passed by Oz' room.  I decided we would have an hour or two of Mommy/Poppy time together.  It was nice.

On Saturday, my siblings and I went downtown to try one of those escape rooms.  You have one hour to solve a mystery, crack codes and break out.  Our room had 10 participants.  We made up six people in the equation, and another family joined us. 

One person in the other family was somewhat quirky...that might be putting it mildly.  As my younger sister said, "If it had been Survivor, that lady would have been kicked out at Tribal Council the first week."  We should have known we were in trouble when she introduced herself by saying that she always saw herself as Nancy Drew. 

It was really fun though.  If you get a chance, definitely try it out.  My advice would be to try to take enough people you like to fill all of the slots.   

And for my Valentine's Day? 

I had a date with Poppy again this year.  She's my sweetheart.  :)  Brenda, Megan, Poppy and I met Heather up at a trampoline/bounce park thingee up in Noblesville.  The girls had a blast and were exhausted on the way home. 

Hard to believe that my baby wasn't even walking last year at this time. 

The weekend zipped by. It was awesome in many ways, and sad in many ways too.  Whenever I see pictures of myself with my family, I still feel like there's something missing.   I bet it will always feel that way a bit. 

Good night everyone.  I hope you had a nice Valentine's Day...and some (of the Americans) may even be enjoying a long weekend for President's Day too!  Not me!  Back to the daily grind tomorrow...

February 13, 2016

I saw Becky this week after work.  It was good to catch up.

Shortly after Steve passed away, I told her a story about him that made us laugh. 

Becky and I have known each other for 13 years now.  When I lived out near Boston for two years, she interviewed me on the phone for a position in her organization here in Indianapolis.  We've been friends since.

Over the years, I've gotten to know her parents as well.  Mike and Marilyn are so much fun.  They are good people.  When Steve came into my life, he got to know all of them as well. 

It was a few years back now, that Mike and Marilyn were visiting Becky and wanted to make dinner for all of us.  It was very sweet!

When we went over, there was a delicious Italian feast awaiting us...salad...garlic bread and lasagna.  Good times were had by all! 

We went out to our car at the end of the evening, and as we drove home, Steve was shaking his head in disbelief.  I asked him what was wrong...didn't he have a good time?

"Oh, I had a great time!  I just...I just can't believe they did that," he replied.  I was somewhat surprised, because Steve is one of the most easygoing guys I'd known.  He definitely didn't let too much upset him.  And Mike and Marilyn wouldn't be capable of doing something upsetting. 

"Diiiiiiddddd what?" I inquired.  From his shaken demeanor, I expected something horrid.

"Well, I cannot believe that they put celery in a lasagna," he lamented with a very serious tone.

 He was bothered about this for a long while.  He just didn't think it was right to "ruin" an amazing lasagna with celery and just couldn't rectify it in his head.

The things that upset my Stevie will forever make me smile.  

February 12, 2016

Last year on Valentine's Day, things were winding down.  I had hoped to take Steve to see Poppy play at Gymboree.  I thought he might really enjoy it.  He was just too weak and tired. 

It had been such an eventful week.  Oz had been born just eight days prior.  I had also talked to Steve's healthcare team quite a bit, and they managed to get him a bed delivered on February 13th. 

I can't believe we went for five months with Steve sleeping in the recliner and me sleeping on the couch to be near him.  Most of the time, he didn't feel like going upstairs to the bedroom, and it was painful for him to lie flat. 

Anyway...I'm not a huge Valentine's Day person.  But, I will say that it is a lot easier to hate the "made-up, Hallmark holiday" when you don't have a partner.  All of a sudden it's a bit more fun when you have someone. 

And Steve was sweet.  Each year, he had flowers sent to my work and usually followed that up with a nice homemade dinner. 

So last year, I took Poppy to the Gymboree party on my own.  Steve was at our house spending some quality time with his family. 

When I was on my way home, I received one of the last coherent text messages from him. 

I treasure it.

The Story About an Old Friend

I got a good laugh today.

I was sitting in a lobby area, and a woman walked in.  I smiled at her, and she walked toward me looking a bit puzzled.  As she came closer, she started to speak.

"I almost didn't recognize you!" she exclaimed.

I had NO idea who she was, but the part of me that doesn't want to offend took over.  "I almost didn't recognize you either!" I enthusiastically said.  I frantically began to go through the contexts of my life trying to place her...High School: No...Ball State: No...Work: No...

As an uncomfortable few seconds of silence overtook us, I filled the void by explaining that I was waiting to meet someone.   

As she studied me carefully, she hesitantly said, "Yeah...I, uh, don't think I know you."

Then I sheepishly admitted, "Ummmmm...I don't think I know you either."

It was such an awkward, funny Laswell moment.  I loved it.

February 10, 2016

Today was a challenging day from beginning to end.

At 4:30am, I awoke for the second night in a row to a high-pitched hum from outside our home.  I imagine that if there were an alien invasion at Stop 11 and Arlington...that's what it would sound like.  I haven't been able to get back to sleep after that, because the noise continues for so long. 

Poppy awoke on her own in the morning, so things were going well on that front.  But then, in my rush to get out of the house and get her to daycare breakfast on-time, I put her milk back in the fridge myself instead of letting her do it.

Apparently this makes me a horrendous mother.

To most normal people, this would not be a big deal.  I guess when you are two, it is unforgivable.

I took the milk out of the fridge, allowed her to put it back in, and we were starting to turn the morning around.  Once we were in the car though, there was something that she wanted.  I did not know what it was.

I told her that I was sorry.  Mommy was driving, but I would try to figure it out at the next stoplight.  I offered her books, graham crackers and more.  I wasn't guessing the need correctly though.

When we finally arrived at school, she was so frustrated with me that she laid face-down in the parking lot.  Not super-smart when it has been snowing and cold, but whatever.  She finally saw that Oz and I were just going to watch the show and joined us inside.  Then she laid down in the lobby.  We've had better Wednesdays. 

By this evening, I was over my day.  I didn't do the best parenting job.  Probably not the worst job either.

Sometimes I worry that if I raise my voice at them or cry...or anything like that, they will end up in therapy. I just hope...despite my shortcomings...that they will be strong, self-confident, happy and empathetic people.  

February 9, 2016

I'm writing this post on my phone tonight.  My computer is making me nuts!  I'm going to have to figure out this situation very soon.

But on to more interesting topics...

Over the months, several volunteers have brought in snacks or toys or stuffed animals for the babies.  It is very sweet.

Today when I arrived, there was a Valentine's Day bag for me with a box of chocolates.  Shirley was concerned that my first February without Stephen might be sad.  I couldn't believe how thoughtful it was.

What a nice surprise on a very long, tiring Tuesday!

How I wish Steve were here this V-Day so we could go to White Castle again.  :)

The Story About Makeup

I don't remember if I've told you this...

Steve was always totally weirded out by little girls in makeup.  I must admit that I'm not a fan of the look, but he would genuinely act frightened. 

One weekend, we were shopping at Big Lots, as we often did.  Seriously, you really can't beat those deals!

There was a family in front of us in the checkout lane.  Steve and I smiled as we listened to a sweet conversation among the children.  All of a sudden, the small girl in the family turned around.  She had on heavy makeup with lip gloss. 

Steve was so disturbed, I saw his eyes widen and a shudder go through his entire body.  He went on and on about it all the way home.

It was so much fun when he would get on a tangent about something.  It's like he knew that he was funny and milked it even more for the laughs. 

No Toddlers & Tiaras or pageants for Poppy in the near future!

Feburary 7, 2016 - Continued...

Watching the Superbowl. 

I kind of hope Cam Newton wins.  If he does, I will say to myself..."Lucky that Steve isn't here to see that!"

If Peyton wins, I will think, "Steve would have given anything to witness this!"

I was missing him a lot today.

Feburary 7, 2016

February 2015

February 6, 2016

I love you, Ozzy.

Someday, I hope to reconcile my feelings about the day you were born.  I had you on February 6th, 2015.  And I had you the way I wanted to.  There were too many responsibilities at home to mess with a C-section or the pain it would bring. 

It went perfectly as births go.  By the day we took you home, I felt almost back to normal.

Your Daddy wasn't well, but he was there with me.  That one day contained so much emotion that it was almost too much to process.  And so I won't for now.

The thought of a second baby scared me at the time.  I feared you.  I worried that I couldn't possibly do it alone. 

But you, my boy, have worked to make it easy on Mommy.  You are sweet and giggly. Our family wouldn't be complete without you. 

The first thing Poppy asks about in the morning is you.  You are her "Oss."  When you aren't in the room, she likes to see pictures of you on my phone.

We both love you very much.  Happy First Birthday.

Daddy & Ozzy, 2 6 15

Oz, 2 6 16

End of birthday snuggles, 2 6 16

More end of birthday snuggles, 2 6 16

February 5, 2016

This day last year...

This day last year was bad. 

They decided not to give Steve chemotherapy.  I was 40 weeks and a few days pregnant.  I left Steve at the Cancer Center to get his Lasix that they recommended.  I went across the street to my OB appointment to see how the boy was doing.  The OB was uncomfortable with the amount of amniotic fluid and told me that I would have to have the baby the following day.

I will never forget the feelings that I had going to those appointments.  I always seemed to cry when I went there...maybe because all of a sudden the focus was on me.  As soon as they looked at me pitifully and asked how I was doing, the tears came so easily.

I went back to get Steve.  I was very quiet.  He asked me what was wrong.  I cried and cried and cried.  I usually tried not to get emotional in front of him, but the floodgates had opened.  Maybe I finally had an excuse to cry because I figured he would think it was due to the pregnancy and not because of my worry for him. 

My OB had said that the choice was a "quick and easy C-section" or a painful and most likely unsuccessful try at breaking my water and seeing if I went into labor.  It was clear to me the choice she wanted me to make. 

I stepped out of Steve's room at the Cancer Center to talk to his Nurse Practitioner alone.  I asked her how it would end...I assumed that we would get hospice care soon and we would have months, or at least weeks.  But she told me that it might happen quickly and that they all just really wanted me to have the baby soon.

Steve asked if we could go to Hardee's on the way home.  He said that the Mexican food there was good, and he knew I had never tried it.  Those last few weeks, he would constantly and almost desperately tell me things that he wanted to eat...trying anything and everything to survive. 

Oz' birth and the events surrounding it may have been the pinnacle of loneliness for me.  I knew that Steve could not help me decide what to do.  I also knew that things were winding down for us. 

I pulled up to the drive-thru.

Welcome to Hardees.  May I take your order, please?

I had sobbed so long and hard by that time, that I was unintelligible.  

"Chickedt Dawchods", I tried to nasally enunciate toward the microphone, but it didn't work.  After trying to give my order repeated times, I pulled into a parking space and ran inside where I could write it down if need be. 

After I calmed myself down, I decided that I wanted to have my water broken.  I was going to try to do it my way.  I was convinced that it would be better for all of us. 

So that night, amid tears of sadness and disbelief that the day had arrived, I set out Poppy's clothes for daycare, packed overnight items for Stevie and me, and set the alarm with a unsettling mixture of anticipation and dread.

I just wanted to stay pregnant and never move forward.  I was scared to say hello to our son and scared to say goodbye to his Daddy.  But it had become increasingly clear that I was on a collision course to experience the gut wrenching and inexplicable intertwining of life and death. 

February 4, 2016

I've been so tired this week that I hadn't reported on our weekend...and now it's almost the next weekend already!

I caught up with several friends I hadn't seen in a while on Saturday and Sunday.  I did one of the get-togethers sans babies, while Nonny, Pop and Uncle Jeffrey babysat.  I took the babies along for the other visit. 

It was really, really good to make plans and catch-up.  It was also a confidence-booster for me to drag the kids along...to see that we could go into someone's house and act appropriately, not getting too many crumbs or milk droplets all over.  There were no poopy diapers, not many tears, only a couple of boogers...and even a few smiles. 

Sometimes I worry that they lull me into feeling like we can do all of this by acting really cool the first time we do something new.  Kinda like the time we attended church at Christmas.  They were total angels...perfect, cute, sweet, adorable little babies.  I think the woman sitting in front of us wanted Poppy.  I betcha if we went again all hell would break loose (Am I allowed to use that phrase when I'm talking about church?).

Throughout this week, I've gotten to spend a bit more one-on-one time with Ozzy.  I realized that I just haven't been alone with him much.  When the three of us are together, most of my attention goes to Poppy.  It was good to bond.  He is actually a funny little doofus.  He is giggly and randomly snuggly.  He plays on his own for a bit and all of a sudden crawls into my lap as fast as he can for a hug.  It's pretty stinkin' cute. 

Sometimes I wonder how he's turned out to be so happy.  His time in the womb consisted of the most tumultuous, anxiety-ridden, sad moments of my life.  I worried that all of the angst, not to mention my surgery, MRI, mammogram and other procedures would negatively impact Oz...but instead, he is the sweetest little chunker boy. 

I'm looking forward to his birthday.  Not because I have a lot planned, but just because I'm able to focus more on enjoying it this time around.  Poppy's birthday party was so beautiful with all that my sisters did...but I was very sad.  We were three months into Steve's diagnosis...the fluid on his abdomen had begun.  My research told me average lifespan from that point is slightly over two months.  I wanted it to be an awesome party, because I was scared it would be the only one he'd see.   

And so, I am happy that my sweet baby, Oz, is turning one now...and maybe a bit sad as well.  How can this beautiful baby boy not have the Daddy here that would have loved him so, so much?   

Oz has started celebrating already!  2 3 16

February 3, 2016

Several of you have been so lovely to suggest that I have Steve's beloved shirts made into quilts for the babies...and that is exactly the project on which I've been working.  Because I have so many t-shirts, and I hate it when blankets are too small to cover your feet, I am having two full-size quilts made. 

Each quilt will take 30 shirts.  A year and a half ago, if someone had told me that I would be shredding up all of Steve's t-shirts, I'd have thought they were insane. 

I know that it doesn't make sense at all, but sometimes I still don't believe that he is gone.  The guy who died last March was so different physically and mentally from my husband, that it's hard to reconcile that they were the same person.  And it's only when I'm doing tasks like cutting up his t-shirts, I think to myself just how messed up this is.

February 2, 2016

I have several updates, but I'm pretty tired this evening and thinking I need to get some sleep, so I will keep it short.

Tonight, I spent some time going through Steve's t-shirts that I had bagged up last year.  I hadn't looked at them since, so it brought back some memories.  I have already given many of them away, and I bet I still have a hundred or so. 

It was weird to see some of them again.  There were shirts that he wore almost every week...shirts I bought him for Christmas 2013 that still look brand-new...the shirt I got him with a matching one for Poppy ('Pint' for Steve and 'Half Pint' for Poppy)...IU...Pacers...Colts...favorite bands...Blue Moon...shirts he wore on some of our very first dates.

It is pretty draining.  I'm not sure how I worked through his closet so shortly after he was gone.  I must have been on auto-pilot. 

Where did an entire year go?  

February 1, 2016

Ozzy turns one on Saturday. 


Grandma bought him some cool big-boy shoes.


Not a fan, I guess.