March 31, 2016

Our daycare had a little Easter party and egg hunt in Poppy's class a week ago.  I had a really good time seeing her so excited about it and running around the room.  It was the first party I had attended that she got up the courage to drift away from my lap a bit.  And it was neat to see her interacting with other toddlers. 

She hasn't let that Dora basket of plastic eggs out her sight much since then.  It was a good experience.  I'm so glad I could go.   

I wanted to share some bad action shots of her hunting for eggs...and of course, one cute shot of Ozzy thrown in at the end!  Oh, and yes...this is the Thomas shirt that she wears almost every other day!

One more random tidbit...I've decided to call it.  March 26 is the day that I'm going to say Oz started walking.  He is a full-blown toddler now.  If only he would transition from bottle to sippy cup, we would be meeting all current baby benchmarks :). 

The Story About Over-The-Counters

I don't even remember where Stephen got this.  I think that one of his grandparents always said it. 

And that was Steve...always saying the silliest things.  Once he got a laugh, he would keep it up!  I'm sure it would have eventually embarrassed the babies in front of their friends :).  That would have been funny to see. 

In the morning, when he would reach for his supplements...he would always say that he needed to take his Vitt-a-mins and Min-i-mals. 

I caught myself saying that to someone the other day.  Ha! 

It's the kind of thing that's funny the first time...and then it's just stupid, and you roll your eyes.  The kind of thing that you actually maybe miss a little.  

March 29, 2016

I had a bad day.  All I wanted to do was go and get my babies and hug them.

Even though I felt that way, there are so many reasons I fought the urge. 

Unfortunately, the babies can't be my emotional support.  I need an adult for that.  I never want them to feel like they need to take care of me.  I want them to feel security not instability. 

I'll try my best.  It's hard to model that some days.

And in the end, with a toddler, you just take love and affection whenever you can get it.  It doesn't necessarily come when you need it.  It comes when they need it.  And that's probably the way it should be. 

But man, I really needed my babies.  It's hard to be an adult.  It's hard to be a Mom. 

March 28, 2016

Poppy and I have fun making faces at each other.  We practice 'Really Happy Face', 'Sad Face', 'Surprised Face', and 'Mad Face.'  We spent some time on the weekend perfecting our art.

There is a little bit of confusion between some of the faces right now.  She seems to enjoy 'Sad Face' the most but can't hold it for long, because she cracks herself up. 

Preparing for 'Sad Face'

'Sad Face'

'Mad Face' complete with clenched fists

March 27, 2016

This was a lifetime ago and just yesterday.  I wish I could go back there and stay forever. 

This was one of our very first dates probably in May 2007.  I think Steve's band was playing in a bar called 'The Loading Dock' or something like that.  It was downtown.  The bar has since closed down.

I was looking at everyone's pictures of their Easter celebrations on Facebook today.  There were creative Easter baskets and fun egg hunts on a perfect weather day and awesome family photographs.

My heart wanted that for me and Steve and my family so badly, and it is hard to give up the mental picture.  That will never, ever be us.

And yes...I know that I can do most of that on my own.  But the fact is, there will always be a piece missing for me.  The pictures with the three of us still look a little strange to me.  I'm still learning how to be a single mother with two toddlers.  I feel like I don't fit in with anyone right now.  I'm often embarrassed because I can't control behavior that I said I would never tolerate. 

If Steve were here, it would be different.  I could do the whole..."If you don't cut it out, I will take you out to the car and give you somethin' to cry about" thing.  But when you are outnumbered, there are some things that slip through the cracks.    

Steve was the one who would have added green food coloring to the pancakes for St. Patrick's Day and baked cupcakes with the kids for Easter and made a banana face on the peanut butter sandwich on a birthday. 

I think what I am missing most today is what I took for granted before...you see, as you are watching your child hunt for Easter eggs or sit on Santa's knee or open a long-anticipated birthday surprise or score a three-pointer, I imagine that it is really cool to catch the eye of your partner and smile. 

Steve and I used to do that sometimes...it's not like Poppy had accomplished a huge amount yet...but we would stupidly grin at each other when she did something amazingly cute or coo or crawl or giggle.  It's nice to share those moments.  In fact, I feel like sharing those moments just gives them so much more meaning. 

I always say...I know that there are many, many single parents in the same boat as me.  There are folks in some really tough situations.  I'm thankful for what we have.  But I do feel pretty lonely in this family and parenting thing.  It's sometimes difficult to ensure that my babies have all of the fun and cool experiences that they deserve when I don't feel like celebrating at all. 

Oh how I wish that life would have been different.   

('Fake it 'til you make it'...right, Jeni? :)  Are you sure that really works?)

The Story About Unacceptable

Steve kept this test from 1983.  He thought it was a hoot. 

He was diagnosed with dyslexia when he was young, and he worked hard to overcome his struggles with the typical school system. 

March 25, 2016

Thank you so much to my family and friends for the birthday wishes on Facebook, nice cards, flowers, sweet treats and Diet Mountain Dew from the babies! 

I went to dinner with a friend.  Then I was missing Steve, so I drove up to Blue Moon and reminisced for a bit.  I haven't popped in since last June, but it was great to see John and also Stacy.  They met us when we were first dating, saw us through marriage and two pregnancies.

Well, this is a late night for me.  My birthday is over now.  Can't wait to catch up with the babies tomorrow.  They are having fun with Uncle Jeffrey, Aunt Marti, Kayan and Jayce tonight. 

It didn't feel right leaving Blue Moon without him.  The times that we went there together seem like just yesterday.  I remember meeting him there after work...the first time we went out after Poppy was born...and birthdays.  Miss you, Stevie...bunches.  It just isn't the same.    

The Story About Baby Rasslin'

These two interact more and more every day.  They were making me laugh pretty hard last night.  No toys necessary.  I think Oz was the victor with a pin at the end.  When I pried him off of her face, she was still laughing. 

I know I have a long road ahead with the fighting, pushing, hitting and learning to share, but when they start up with this stuff and are giggling together, it's kind of cool.

March 23, 2016

Poppy got a bloody nose the other night.  She was goofing off on the couch.  I've told her she needs to sit and not stand on the furniture.

She slipped and the next thing I knew, her nose was bleeding.  I think she hit it on the armrest.  It was a bit shocking that I remained so calm. 

I was giving Oz an antibiotic at the time, so Poppy decided she needed to suck on the syringe after he was finished.  She LOVES taking medicine now.  These pictures are before I got her face all wiped off. 

On the one hand, I'm glad that it's gotten easier to administer drugs to her...on the other hand, in honor of Nancy Reagan, I wonder if I should be teaching 'Hugs Not Drugs.'  She seems to like it a little too much now. 

March 22, 2016

Easter is just around the corner.  Time for some Cadbury Creme Eggs.  There is nothing better. 

Back in my single and childless days, I would just have three five of them for dinner.  It's disturbing when you buy one that already has a crack.  I hate that. 

March 21, 2016

I forgot to mention that on Friday night, the babies and I had such a fun time opening up an Easter package sent to us from Colleen in Illinois.  Poppy delighted in a new book, cookies, two new plates and more.  Very, very sweet.  Poppy ran around all night saying, "MY plate!  MY plate!"  :)

In other news, last Wednesday when I picked the kids up from daycare, they told me that Oz had been a bully that day.  O...M...G.  I have raised a bully already!  How did this happen so quickly?

After I stood there questioning how I might turn this around, they admitted that he might be a bit bored in a classroom with infants and may need to be moved up to a toddler class.  Apparently he doesn't have much to keep him occupied, so he has decided it's fun to grab faces.

You know, if I could get away with grabbing the faces of annoying people, I might also choose this path.  Gotta admire the little dude for coming up with something creative. 

Apparently after he grabs faces or otherwise misbehaves, they put him in his crib, and he giggles.   

Great.  I've raised a sadist, as well. 

Poppy had a terrific morning.  She was in such a good mood.  In an amazingly sweet moment shortly after she awoke, I watched her and Ozzy pass blocks back and forth and her saying, "Thank you, Oz."  Then...be still my heart...I looked up and she was giving him a long, long hug.

Just a few random notes from the past couple of days.  I've got so many pictures to share...but will only upload a couple tonight.  I've got to try to beat the babies up in the morning.

That sounded wrong, didn't it?!? 

I've got to try to get up before the babies get up in the morning.

Better!

The bullying, face-grabber - March 2016

Mommy/Ozzy Selfie with Diet Mountain Dew featured in the background

Oz displaying more sociopath behavior - eating the head off of Doc McStuffins

My Poppy.  3 20 16

March 20, 2016

When Holly contacted me to see if I had March 19th free for her and Jeni to come and visit, I was initially excited to have visitors. 

Then, after crying pretty much straight from Monday night to Wednesday night, I re-thought it.  I considered cancelling.  I felt like I wouldn't be much fun...I'd probably figure out a way to ruin the day...and why would anyone want to come that far to hang out with me anyway.

Yeah...I've never really been a confident, half-full type of person.  Sorry to disappoint!  Would have loved to be a Tigger, but I'm a total Eeyore.

The irony of them visiting on the 19th also did not escape me.  I saw Holly and Jeni for the first time in about 25 years last March 19th...the day that we celebrated Steve's life.

I tell you...I feel more than lucky...almost undeserving and amazed...that I have these girls in my life.  They have kept in contact and encouraged me from the start of this hard journey.  And even when they haven't received communication in return...and two-month late birthday cards, they have still supported me.  I don't know why they haven't disappeared.  It's a mystery.

Our link is high school.  South Ripley High School in Versailles, Indiana.  A place where I started as a scared, nervous, shy freshman coming from a small town in Ontario, Canada.  I was never particularly popular.  Never particularly pretty.  I REALLY needed braces.  Never the smartest in the class...Cassie, Kim and Melanie had me beat there.  I didn't go to any of the parties or socialize much, so I wasn't a lot of fun...I was too scared of getting into trouble.  Didn't kiss any boys...or girls for that matter :).  Didn't drink.  Didn't smoke.  Didn't break rules.  Just a plain Jane (Sorry to any Janes out there...just a saying.)  I was average in most every way.  Pretty nondescript.

I'm not trying to put myself down or fish for compliments.  That is just a realistic depiction of my high school years.  I joked at the reunion that I'd always wanted to be Homecoming Queen.  (It wasn't a joke!)

I guess my point in all of this...they are good women.  Good people. 

So when they arrived on Saturday morning, they handed the babies some gift bags and gave me some much-appreciated Diet Mountain Dew and flowers.  We played for a while, and then my mother graciously babysat while the three of us went to lunch.  

As a sidenote...I did a presentation for an Indianapolis organization five years ago.  I am a certified trainer of 'Crucial Conversations.'

Please do not laugh.  It's one thing to train it, another to actually do it.  :)

As a 'thank-you' for delivering this presentation, the organization had given me a gift card to The Capital Grille.  It is a swanky restaurant in the Conrad Hotel in downtown Indianapolis.  I had the sizable gift card in my purse for five years waiting for the right occasion.  I couldn't get Steve to go with me.  It wasn't really his preferred environment. 

I asked if Holly and Jeni would care to use the gift card with me.  It was such a nice meal with great company.  I couldn't think of a better way to spend it.

And then tonight, I was able to go to dinner with Kevin (Steve's Home Health nurse) and his wife, Lynn.  Again...grateful for my Mom who agreed to watch the babies for a few hours.  It was terrific to see Kevin and Lynn, as well.  When I visit with them, it is like no time has passed and I've known them for years.  Strange how you can just click with folks sometimes. 

I am grateful for all of the friendships that have blossomed in my life.  Sometimes they are what keeps me going (and keeps me sane-ish). 

March 19, 2016

It's a long story.  But I'll keep it short.

We haven't been on a trip for a while.  My niece's spring break started last weekend, so we went with some of my family to Great Wolf Lodge.

It was good and bad.

There was lots of good, and then an embarrassing and immature cry and public outburst (not the babies...but me!).  So I've been hating myself all week long.  Why can't I just shove my feelings down and deal with them later in a more healthy fashion like everyone else?  I've always been terrible at pretending things are okay when they aren't.  It is a skill I would love to acquire.  

For several days, Megan had been sharing her 'rules' from school..."No hittin', no pushin', no cryin', no screamin'".  Pretty sure I broke a couple of those.  Excellent role model. 

You see, when typical run-of-the-mill baby/toddler situations and tantrums occur for me at this point in time, I tend to get pretty stressed and anxious.  I'm sure that others probably think..."Dude.  Chill out.  You are really overreacting."

But instead of saying to myself, "Whoa, my kids are really acting up.  That was a pretty crappy day!"...I say, "Oh my gosh...I miss Steve.  I wish he was here helping us.  I don't know what I'm going to do.  There is no way that I can handle this on my own."

And when I think about the rest of my life, I panic a little.  This is my biggest, most important undertaking, and I am on my own.  I get scared, sad and angry.  It's all messy and ugly and yucky and awkward.  I hate it.  And sometimes, truth be told, I hate myself. 

I read a quotation last week that I liked very much.  A woman had mentioned that her grandmother always said this to her when she regretted something she had done..."Brand new mercies, baby. We all get brand new mercies each day.”

I had a very good day today.  I got some notes and messages from several of you.  Bill and Carol sent a sweet card and Meijer gift in honor of me taking the babies to a store for the first time!  And Holly and Jeni came to see me!  I will have to share more about our visit tomorrow.   It was really wonderful to see them. 

So, on the day that we celebrated Steve's life last year, I'm trying to analyze myself in an attempt to figure out my emotional triggers and do better, but also trying to give myself a tiny bit of slack (perhaps undeserved).

Brand new mercies baby.

Not entirely sure how I got my butt out of the tube. I did an entire extra round of Lazy River to figure it out.

Okay...with the logo...this could be a marketing campaign. :)  He got Steve's hair AND belly!

Again!  The logo?!  Seriously...they weren't paying us for this!

My baby girl.  She is stuck to me like glue...Super Glue.

March 13, 2016

Bar Fly Cartoon in NUVO, September 2007

Missing you every day, especially today.

March 12, 2016

So many things I considered posting today.  But I guess those can all wait.  After all, I will remember March 12 and 13 in exact, horrible detail for the rest of my life. 

I remember exactly where I was sitting at this moment.  I have changed everything since then.  This afternoon, I stared at a picture from our wedding day, and I almost didn't recognize those people.  It almost seems like it was someone else and none of this happened. 

But I guess it did.

I want to share some memories eventually for our babies (when they are older, of course), but for now, I want to tell you something that I did today.

I mustered up my courage all day long.  The babies napped at different times, so they were trying to work against me...but finally at 5pm, they were both awake...not necessarily happy...but both awake. 

And I can't believe that I was happy about something so incredibly mundane and stupid...but I took them both to a store...Meijer.

We did it.  We lived.  It went well.

I ran with the cart through the aisles, and Poppy laughed SO loudly.  And people stared at us, because she was laughing so obnoxiously, it was kind of disruptive, but if they only knew what a triumph it was for our little family today. 

When we were checking out, I confided to the clerk that it was our first time out to a store together.  I think she was horrified...she did a once-over of my babies, and said..."the FIRST time?  Really?".  I confirmed.  

But you know what?  We did it.  And it was a huge confidence booster.  I wouldn't do it every time...and I wouldn't do it when I'm in a hurry...and I wouldn't do it when I need more than about 10 items...but we did it.

And we did it well.

You know, Stephen, I never wanted to do this without you...ever...never...but since this seems to be reality, we are going to give it our best shot.

I love you and wish I could have done more.  

March 11, 2016

I went back to my former hospital for a business meeting today. 

As I drove toward Hancock County, memories came flooding back.  When I pulled up, I realized how much I missed all of my co-workers there...but also how intertwined my memories of Steve were with my place of employment. 

It was wonderful to see many of my friends! Such a happy/sad day. 

Tina works in Nutritional Services.  She is such a sweet soul.  I stopped by the cafeteria right before my meeting to say hello.  We had a nice little reunion and then I dashed off. 

A few hours later, I was sitting in my meeting when Tina entered to put lunch out for us.  I was in a discussion with some of my peers, so I only noticed after she left the room...there were many of the little teeny adorable cans of soda sitting out for lunch...but right behind the small cans, was a shining, beautiful large bottle of Diet Mountain Dew. 

It's awesome to love and be loved. 

March 10, 2016

Oh my gosh.

Today started out the worst way.  Poppy was upset.  I turned it around...she was okay.  Then it got bad again.

Animal Crackers turned it around.  Then she sat down in the daycare parking lot in the rain. Ugh!  Then I was a horrible mother and yelled at her about having to get to a meeting and that I needed her to get up.  (I'm sure that made a huge impact on her.)

Finally, I got her to her room.  I felt horrible to drop her off when she was crying.

Then I went to Oz' room.

O...M...G...no kidding...thirteen INFANTS to one daycare provider. I know this because I stayed with Oz, willing to miss my meeting at that point, because I was not going to leave him alone there until the missing daycare providers showed up.  Oz was the oldest child in that room.    (Normally, the accepted ratio for that age is 4:1 -- Oz is the oldest of all of them...the rest are tiny!). 

It was a bad morning.

And then...right after my call to my sister, Brenda, in which I wanted her to ease my guilt, I received these pictures from a teacher at their daycare.  She couldn't even know how well-timed this was! 

Apparently, they were trying to give Oz some time in the Toddler Room today.  I felt better immediately. 

I've told Poppy and Ozzy that we have to take care of each other. 

These pictures made me think...even though it's a long shot...when I'm not around, they will have each other.

March 9, 2016

There are some days that I cannot think about...a handful between September 2014 and March 2015.  Even day was difficult, but some were unbelievably hard.  Most of the time, I try to not revisit these grey periods.  There is so much that I would do differently, but I guess I didn't have the guidebook. 

I either have to put it completely out of my mind, which has been pretty effective so far...or find a way to get past it.  There are moments that I'm angry about...or confused about...and it does absolutely no good to rehash the details. 

It sure is hard to force yourself to forget though.  Even now, a year later, my memories are as clear as day.  Sometimes I'm thankful that I'm exhausted and fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow. 

I'm hoping that someday, I am able to remember more about the 88 months we were together and obliviously happy, rather than the six months we were shell shocked and grappling with death. 

Those six months should not be forefront in my mind.  They don't represent Steve's life.  Yet they are so vivid right now. 

March 8, 2016

I did it.

I gave the babies a bath together tonight.  For the first time. 

It went pretty well.  For a bit.  I was encouraged by my newfound mothering skills for about 20 minutes.  And then things went horribly wrong when I tried to take them out of the tub.  There is something about water...slippery, stubborn babies...tile...porcelain...that scares me.  It's an accident waiting to happen.  A situation fraught with potential Laswell Effect.  I would rather them be dirty and stinky than dead.

But in the end, I did it.  And despite the screaming and writhing and tears...I got the first duo bath under my belt with everyone still alive. 

Please don't think that since I'm learning to do things like this myself that I don't need Steve.  I am begrudgingly going to figure it all out.  Because I have to.  But I know that there are so many of these parenting things he would have been far better at than me.  Probably a lot more patient.  

But...having finally crossed the baby bath hurdle, my only remaining problem...I'm too tired to get myself clean now.  Off to bed.  :)

The Story About The Tote

Steve was always worried about his health. A couple of years into our relationship his stomach issues led to an order for a colonoscopy. He was relieved when the results came up clear.

But here is a story I've never told...

As you may know, in 2007, Steve and I purchased an older home in Irvington.  We loved it!  Over the first few years in our house, a couple of issues with a clogged sewer line led to the (expensive!) solution of having a sewer clean-out installed in the yard.  The joys of an older home!  Thankfully, this resolved the problem for good.

Prior to that $3500 repair, every once in a while, we had back-ups in the basement.  It just so happened, that as bad timing, Murphy's Law and The Laswell Effect would dictate, Steve's colonoscopy appointment and the sewer issue collided in a horrible coincidence.

We could not get a plumber to look at problem before Steve's prep. As I went to the local Walgreen's to pick up Jello, Popsicles and broth for Stevie, I happened to think of the obvious dilemma.

Some might say..."Debbie...why didn't you guys just reschedule the procedure?"  And...that would have made sense.  But we were never your average couple.  The clear solution was to place a large and sturdy trash bag in the toilet and move forward with the prep.

After all...we were The Laswells!  Not a problem.

The colonoscopy went well.  Steve proudly shared his colon pictures with all of our family members that Mother's Day.  I still have the photos somewhere.  I'll show you sometime.

What to do with the trash bag though?

Clearly, I am not saying that we had the smartest line of reasoning here...but it made sense to us.  We took the trash bag, placed it in an old plastic tote and duct taped it until we could figure something out.  It sat by our garage for a long, long, long time.  We weren't quite sure what to do with it from there.  We both kinda hoped that it would just go away, I think. 

I will never, ever, ever for the rest of my life forget the capper to this story.

A few weeks later, Stephen and I acquired a newer fridge for our house from my mother.  Steve's Dad said that they could use our old fridge for their Crawford County cabin.  We put the old fridge out by the garage to make it easy for him to pick up in his truck.

When we walked out back to help him load it that day, he opened the fridge to take a look.  It was sitting in close proximity to the tote.

Yes...YES...the Poop Tote.  

He wrinkled his nose and said that the fridge would have to be cleaned.  It didn't smell good.

My eyes got as wide as saucers, and I glared at Steve behind Larry's back, begging him with my face to hurry and load up the fridge before our awful story spilled out.

And that is a tale of the crazy, stupid secrets that couples share...and colonoscopies and house repairs...and the funny moments that Steve and I should have been able to laugh about for years...together...only us.

But now I have to gross you out with them...because he's gone.

I miss him.

March 6, 2016

Sometimes the weekday mornings are really hard.  We are on a tight timeline, and I get so frustrated at the frantic pace and babies that won't work with me.  

But that's what makes the weekends so important.  We have a little bit of time to hang out.  And although the babies aren't too keen on sharing my lap, we usually manage to have some fun.