December 14, 2015

The holidays are tough.  There is no doubt about it.  Have you ever wondered why holidays, events, birthdays, etc., are harder than other days when you've lost someone?  I think about that quite a bit. 

I read a lot of John Grisham books.  Steve used to buy them for me for Christmas.  Years ago now, Grisham wrote a book called, "Skipping Christmas."  That's kind of what I'd like to do.

I decided that I wasn't going to put up any Christmas decorations this year.  I was in a cranky mood a few weeks ago.  My mother was getting ready to leave for Florida with Bren and Andrew and kindly asked me if I wanted someone to go into the attic and get my holiday decorations down when they returned.  That was when I decided it was just too much trouble this year.  A few people have told me that I need to do it for the babies, but I figure I have this year to sulk, and then I can pull it all together next Christmas. 

The pretty tree that you sometimes see in pictures is at my Mom's house.  And she is the one who had the clever idea to use a fireplace screen to protect against teeny, curious hands.  The kids seem to be coping with the lack of tree at our house.

My friend, Kellie, swung by last year to help me put up the tree.  I don't know if she knew what a difference that made.  I'm even more thankful now.  But to put the tree up this year...to go through all of those Hallmark ornaments from his childhood, and then all of the ornaments my mother bought him over the past seven or eight years.  There is the Moose mug that speaks lines from the movie Christmas Vacation...the Hot Wheels racetrack...the Polar Bear Express ornament that scared us every year...each ornament has special meaning. 

A sweet volunteer recently started at my hospital.  She works at a Christmas tree farm (Is it called a "farm"?) on the weekends.  She made me a live wreath!  It is beautiful!  So, that is the Laswell decoration this year.  

And when Poppy's school sent home an ornament that she made "for the tree," I decided we would hang it on our wreath so I wouldn't feel guilty.  I don't know...it just felt kind of stupid to put a tree up when it would just be me staring at it after the babies went to bed each evening.  But I know that is a terrible attitude.

Enough of that!  So here is something fun that happened today...

I got an email around noon that told me I had a present down at Entrance 12.  Immediately, I was intrigued!  I walked down there, and locked in a cabinet was a gift bag from "A Secret Pal."  Cool, eh?!

I was sooooo excited!  It was pretty awesome and definitely brightened my day very much.  There was a cute, little "d" stocking with some candy, a Christmas towel, a gingerbread man pot holder, and a really nice picture frame.  Oh...and a lovely card and note.

I thought that I had emptied the bag...and then I saw it...

A beautiful Diet Mountain Dew.  Oh my gosh...Best.Secret.Pal.Ever!

Thank you very much, Pal.  Your unexpected gesture really made me smile today.  Steve and I used to have a lot of fun giving and receiving gifts.  You surprised me today and brought some unexpected moments of happiness.    

And now...because I was given a smile today, I will give you one, as well.  Have a good night!

December 13, 2015

This weekend I had a plan. 

The plan was to play...and to get the garage cleaned out enough to easily park my car (It was still a little crammed from the move)...and to go and watch my niece sing at her church. 

I have to say that I was VERY nervous about taking them to church.  Turned out that Poppy loved it!  In fact, the only time she had a fit was when we were going to leave.  She charmed the people around us...at the end of any song, she yelled out, "YAY!"  Even The Lord's Prayer got a "YAY!"  When people filed down the aisle for communion, she politely said, "Buh Bye. Buh Bye."  And then she shushed people with finger to her lips at the appropriate moment, as well.

So, the trip out in public was a success.  Whew!  I have no idea why I get so apprehensive and worried. 

I just finished watching the movie, New Year's Eve.  Shouldn't have.  Spoiler Alert:  Guy dies...baby is born.  It was all about New Year's being about second chances.  Normally, a great cheesy, romantic, fun movie to watch...but this year just makes me all bitter and sad.  I probably need to stick to Law and Order for the foreseeable future. 

I did have a good time with the babies this weekend though.  They are such sweet kids.  I have so many stories that I still need to tell, but I've been so tired.  So, some pictures of the weekend for tonight instead.

My little ham...singing and dancing  12 12 15

All fun and games until somebody gets an eye poked out.  12 12 15

All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth.  12 12 15

Being good at church wore me out!  12 13 15

December 12, 2015 - Continued Again...

It's no wonder Steve and I had a cluttered house.  I was never the best housekeeper...and he was always so sentimental and kept everything. 

I was going through boxes in the garage today...enjoying the heat wave...when I found this holiday gift tag that I had made out to Steve in 2013.  He kept it on a shelf in Poppy's room so he could look at it whenever he wanted. 

December 12, 2015 - Continued...

Elf Poppy - December 2014

December 12, 2015

This was such a long week!  I'm so glad that I get a bit of time to spend with the babies this weekend.  I'm sure that our plan for Saturday will include...getting Mommy up too early, banging things together and making picnics on the living room floor.  :)

Poppy 12 11 13

12 12 13

December 10, 2015

A friend of mine with a young daughter put a post on Facebook a couple of weeks ago.  She mentioned that she sometimes misses her child when she's napping.  Now that I'm a one-parent household, I tend to use every single moment that my kids are sleeping to work on tasks, but it did take me back a couple of years...

After Steve and I had Poppy, we went to Blue Moon every once in a while.  I'm sure that people around us must have guessed that we were new parents.  Frequently, in between our games, we would pull out our phones and scroll through pictures of Poppy.  We would talk about what a sweet girl we had as though we weren't going to see her again in an hour or two.  : )

December 9, 2015

Today was one of those days at work where you get to the end of the day, and you know you did a lot, but you don't remember exactly what.  The computer class that I attended in the morning seems like it was days ago!  I think I walked five miles throughout the hospital...for real. 

This afternoon, on my way back from introducing one volunteer to another for training purposes, I stopped off at a restroom.  When I was leaving, a woman about my age was trying to push a man in a wheelchair into the other restroom. 

She was trying to open the door and push the chair quickly to prop it.  I grabbed the door to help out.  I watched as she struggled with the wheelchair, bumping the footrest on the door frame.  I knew that she hadn't been doing this for long.

Seeing her was like seeing myself.   

She said that she hoped no one would go into the restroom while she helped her Dad.  I told her that I would stay to stand guard. 

But when she entered, there was a man in there, so she came back out.  She looked so lost as she stood there looking down and rubbing her eyes like she was about to cry.  I felt compelled to say something.  "My husband had pancreatic cancer last year, and I know it isn't easy.  I'm so sorry," I blurted out quietly not mentioning the outcome.

She nodded at me with tears welling up, "That's what my Dad has," she told me.  "He was given three months today.  He's in pain, and he just wants to get home."

When she was finally able to re-enter the bathroom to help her father, I stood guard for many minutes.  I spent some time thinking of what I would say when they came out...but nothing seemed right...not "Happy Holidays" or "Merry Christmas".  Not "Have a great day!" or "Hope you feel better soon!"

I opened the door for them when I heard the paper towel dispenser.  The father thanked me.  And as she pushed the chair past me, she turned back to look directly at me..."Thank you," she said with emphasis, "Thank you."

"You're welcome" seemed like the only response that would work.  They went on their way to an uncertain future...and I did the same.  And for the first time in public at my new job, I began crying in the hallway as I was walking back.  Pancreatic cancer sure is a tough one.