So many things I considered posting today. But I guess those can all wait. After all, I will remember March 12 and 13 in exact, horrible detail for the rest of my life.
I remember exactly where I was sitting at this moment. I have changed everything since then. This afternoon, I stared at a picture from our wedding day, and I almost didn't recognize those people. It almost seems like it was someone else and none of this happened.
But I guess it did.
I want to share some memories eventually for our babies (when they are older, of course), but for now, I want to tell you something that I did today.
I mustered up my courage all day long. The babies napped at different times, so they were trying to work against me...but finally at 5pm, they were both awake...not necessarily happy...but both awake.
And I can't believe that I was happy about something so incredibly mundane and stupid...but I took them both to a store...Meijer.
We did it. We lived. It went well.
I ran with the cart through the aisles, and Poppy laughed SO loudly. And people stared at us, because she was laughing so obnoxiously, it was kind of disruptive, but if they only knew what a triumph it was for our little family today.
When we were checking out, I confided to the clerk that it was our first time out to a store together. I think she was horrified...she did a once-over of my babies, and said..."the FIRST time? Really?". I confirmed.
But you know what? We did it. And it was a huge confidence booster. I wouldn't do it every time...and I wouldn't do it when I'm in a hurry...and I wouldn't do it when I need more than about 10 items...but we did it.
And we did it well.
You know, Stephen, I never wanted to do this without you...ever...never...but since this seems to be reality, we are going to give it our best shot.
I love you and wish I could have done more.
Saturday, March 12, 2016
Friday, March 11, 2016
March 11, 2016
I went back to my former hospital for a business meeting today.
As I drove toward Hancock County, memories came flooding back. When I pulled up, I realized how much I missed all of my co-workers there...but also how intertwined my memories of Steve were with my place of employment.
It was wonderful to see many of my friends! Such a happy/sad day.
Tina works in Nutritional Services. She is such a sweet soul. I stopped by the cafeteria right before my meeting to say hello. We had a nice little reunion and then I dashed off.
A few hours later, I was sitting in my meeting when Tina entered to put lunch out for us. I was in a discussion with some of my peers, so I only noticed after she left the room...there were many of the little teeny adorable cans of soda sitting out for lunch...but right behind the small cans, was a shining, beautiful large bottle of Diet Mountain Dew.
It's awesome to love and be loved.
As I drove toward Hancock County, memories came flooding back. When I pulled up, I realized how much I missed all of my co-workers there...but also how intertwined my memories of Steve were with my place of employment.
It was wonderful to see many of my friends! Such a happy/sad day.
Tina works in Nutritional Services. She is such a sweet soul. I stopped by the cafeteria right before my meeting to say hello. We had a nice little reunion and then I dashed off.
A few hours later, I was sitting in my meeting when Tina entered to put lunch out for us. I was in a discussion with some of my peers, so I only noticed after she left the room...there were many of the little teeny adorable cans of soda sitting out for lunch...but right behind the small cans, was a shining, beautiful large bottle of Diet Mountain Dew.
It's awesome to love and be loved.
Thursday, March 10, 2016
March 10, 2016
Oh my gosh.
Today started out the worst way. Poppy was upset. I turned it around...she was okay. Then it got bad again.
Animal Crackers turned it around. Then she sat down in the daycare parking lot in the rain. Ugh! Then I was a horrible mother and yelled at her about having to get to a meeting and that I needed her to get up. (I'm sure that made a huge impact on her.)
Finally, I got her to her room. I felt horrible to drop her off when she was crying.
Then I went to Oz' room.
O...M...G...no kidding...thirteen INFANTS to one daycare provider. I know this because I stayed with Oz, willing to miss my meeting at that point, because I was not going to leave him alone there until the missing daycare providers showed up. Oz was the oldest child in that room. (Normally, the accepted ratio for that age is 4:1 -- Oz is the oldest of all of them...the rest are tiny!).
It was a bad morning.
And then...right after my call to my sister, Brenda, in which I wanted her to ease my guilt, I received these pictures from a teacher at their daycare. She couldn't even know how well-timed this was!
Apparently, they were trying to give Oz some time in the Toddler Room today. I felt better immediately.
I've told Poppy and Ozzy that we have to take care of each other.
These pictures made me think...even though it's a long shot...when I'm not around, they will have each other.
Today started out the worst way. Poppy was upset. I turned it around...she was okay. Then it got bad again.
Animal Crackers turned it around. Then she sat down in the daycare parking lot in the rain. Ugh! Then I was a horrible mother and yelled at her about having to get to a meeting and that I needed her to get up. (I'm sure that made a huge impact on her.)
Finally, I got her to her room. I felt horrible to drop her off when she was crying.
Then I went to Oz' room.
O...M...G...no kidding...thirteen INFANTS to one daycare provider. I know this because I stayed with Oz, willing to miss my meeting at that point, because I was not going to leave him alone there until the missing daycare providers showed up. Oz was the oldest child in that room. (Normally, the accepted ratio for that age is 4:1 -- Oz is the oldest of all of them...the rest are tiny!).
It was a bad morning.
And then...right after my call to my sister, Brenda, in which I wanted her to ease my guilt, I received these pictures from a teacher at their daycare. She couldn't even know how well-timed this was!
Apparently, they were trying to give Oz some time in the Toddler Room today. I felt better immediately.
I've told Poppy and Ozzy that we have to take care of each other.
These pictures made me think...even though it's a long shot...when I'm not around, they will have each other.
Wednesday, March 9, 2016
March 9, 2016
There are some days that I cannot think about...a handful between September 2014 and March 2015. Even day was difficult, but some were unbelievably hard. Most of the time, I try to not revisit these grey periods. There is so much that I would do differently, but I guess I didn't have the guidebook.
I either have to put it completely out of my mind, which has been pretty effective so far...or find a way to get past it. There are moments that I'm angry about...or confused about...and it does absolutely no good to rehash the details.
It sure is hard to force yourself to forget though. Even now, a year later, my memories are as clear as day. Sometimes I'm thankful that I'm exhausted and fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow.
I'm hoping that someday, I am able to remember more about the 88 months we were together and obliviously happy, rather than the six months we were shell shocked and grappling with death.
Those six months should not be forefront in my mind. They don't represent Steve's life. Yet they are so vivid right now.
I either have to put it completely out of my mind, which has been pretty effective so far...or find a way to get past it. There are moments that I'm angry about...or confused about...and it does absolutely no good to rehash the details.
It sure is hard to force yourself to forget though. Even now, a year later, my memories are as clear as day. Sometimes I'm thankful that I'm exhausted and fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow.
I'm hoping that someday, I am able to remember more about the 88 months we were together and obliviously happy, rather than the six months we were shell shocked and grappling with death.
Those six months should not be forefront in my mind. They don't represent Steve's life. Yet they are so vivid right now.
Tuesday, March 8, 2016
March 8, 2016
I did it.
I gave the babies a bath together tonight. For the first time.
It went pretty well. For a bit. I was encouraged by my newfound mothering skills for about 20 minutes. And then things went horribly wrong when I tried to take them out of the tub. There is something about water...slippery, stubborn babies...tile...porcelain...that scares me. It's an accident waiting to happen. A situation fraught with potential Laswell Effect. I would rather them be dirty and stinky than dead.
But in the end, I did it. And despite the screaming and writhing and tears...I got the first duo bath under my belt with everyone still alive.
Please don't think that since I'm learning to do things like this myself that I don't need Steve. I am begrudgingly going to figure it all out. Because I have to. But I know that there are so many of these parenting things he would have been far better at than me. Probably a lot more patient.
But...having finally crossed the baby bath hurdle, my only remaining problem...I'm too tired to get myself clean now. Off to bed. :)
I gave the babies a bath together tonight. For the first time.
It went pretty well. For a bit. I was encouraged by my newfound mothering skills for about 20 minutes. And then things went horribly wrong when I tried to take them out of the tub. There is something about water...slippery, stubborn babies...tile...porcelain...that scares me. It's an accident waiting to happen. A situation fraught with potential Laswell Effect. I would rather them be dirty and stinky than dead.
But in the end, I did it. And despite the screaming and writhing and tears...I got the first duo bath under my belt with everyone still alive.
Please don't think that since I'm learning to do things like this myself that I don't need Steve. I am begrudgingly going to figure it all out. Because I have to. But I know that there are so many of these parenting things he would have been far better at than me. Probably a lot more patient.
But...having finally crossed the baby bath hurdle, my only remaining problem...I'm too tired to get myself clean now. Off to bed. :)
Monday, March 7, 2016
The Story About The Tote
Steve was always worried about his health. A couple of years into our relationship his stomach issues led to an order for a colonoscopy. He was relieved when the results came up clear.
But here is a story I've never told...
As you may know, in 2007, Steve and I purchased an older home in Irvington. We loved it! Over the first few years in our house, a couple of issues with a clogged sewer line led to the (expensive!) solution of having a sewer clean-out installed in the yard. The joys of an older home! Thankfully, this resolved the problem for good.
Prior to that $3500 repair, every once in a while, we had back-ups in the basement. It just so happened, that as bad timing, Murphy's Law and The Laswell Effect would dictate, Steve's colonoscopy appointment and the sewer issue collided in a horrible coincidence.
We could not get a plumber to look at problem before Steve's prep. As I went to the local Walgreen's to pick up Jello, Popsicles and broth for Stevie, I happened to think of the obvious dilemma.
Some might say..."Debbie...why didn't you guys just reschedule the procedure?" And...that would have made sense. But we were never your average couple. The clear solution was to place a large and sturdy trash bag in the toilet and move forward with the prep.
After all...we were The Laswells! Not a problem.
The colonoscopy went well. Steve proudly shared his colon pictures with all of our family members that Mother's Day. I still have the photos somewhere. I'll show you sometime.
What to do with the trash bag though?
Clearly, I am not saying that we had the smartest line of reasoning here...but it made sense to us. We took the trash bag, placed it in an old plastic tote and duct taped it until we could figure something out. It sat by our garage for a long, long, long time. We weren't quite sure what to do with it from there. We both kinda hoped that it would just go away, I think.
I will never, ever, ever for the rest of my life forget the capper to this story.
A few weeks later, Stephen and I acquired a newer fridge for our house from my mother. Steve's Dad said that they could use our old fridge for their Crawford County cabin. We put the old fridge out by the garage to make it easy for him to pick up in his truck.
When we walked out back to help him load it that day, he opened the fridge to take a look. It was sitting in close proximity to the tote.
Yes...YES...the Poop Tote.
He wrinkled his nose and said that the fridge would have to be cleaned. It didn't smell good.
My eyes got as wide as saucers, and I glared at Steve behind Larry's back, begging him with my face to hurry and load up the fridge before our awful story spilled out.
And that is a tale of the crazy, stupid secrets that couples share...and colonoscopies and house repairs...and the funny moments that Steve and I should have been able to laugh about for years...together...only us.
But now I have to gross you out with them...because he's gone.
I miss him.
But here is a story I've never told...
As you may know, in 2007, Steve and I purchased an older home in Irvington. We loved it! Over the first few years in our house, a couple of issues with a clogged sewer line led to the (expensive!) solution of having a sewer clean-out installed in the yard. The joys of an older home! Thankfully, this resolved the problem for good.
Prior to that $3500 repair, every once in a while, we had back-ups in the basement. It just so happened, that as bad timing, Murphy's Law and The Laswell Effect would dictate, Steve's colonoscopy appointment and the sewer issue collided in a horrible coincidence.
We could not get a plumber to look at problem before Steve's prep. As I went to the local Walgreen's to pick up Jello, Popsicles and broth for Stevie, I happened to think of the obvious dilemma.
Some might say..."Debbie...why didn't you guys just reschedule the procedure?" And...that would have made sense. But we were never your average couple. The clear solution was to place a large and sturdy trash bag in the toilet and move forward with the prep.
After all...we were The Laswells! Not a problem.
The colonoscopy went well. Steve proudly shared his colon pictures with all of our family members that Mother's Day. I still have the photos somewhere. I'll show you sometime.
What to do with the trash bag though?
Clearly, I am not saying that we had the smartest line of reasoning here...but it made sense to us. We took the trash bag, placed it in an old plastic tote and duct taped it until we could figure something out. It sat by our garage for a long, long, long time. We weren't quite sure what to do with it from there. We both kinda hoped that it would just go away, I think.
I will never, ever, ever for the rest of my life forget the capper to this story.
A few weeks later, Stephen and I acquired a newer fridge for our house from my mother. Steve's Dad said that they could use our old fridge for their Crawford County cabin. We put the old fridge out by the garage to make it easy for him to pick up in his truck.
When we walked out back to help him load it that day, he opened the fridge to take a look. It was sitting in close proximity to the tote.
Yes...YES...the Poop Tote.
He wrinkled his nose and said that the fridge would have to be cleaned. It didn't smell good.
My eyes got as wide as saucers, and I glared at Steve behind Larry's back, begging him with my face to hurry and load up the fridge before our awful story spilled out.
And that is a tale of the crazy, stupid secrets that couples share...and colonoscopies and house repairs...and the funny moments that Steve and I should have been able to laugh about for years...together...only us.
But now I have to gross you out with them...because he's gone.
I miss him.
Sunday, March 6, 2016
March 6, 2016
Sometimes the weekday mornings are really hard. We are on a tight timeline, and I get so frustrated at the frantic pace and babies that won't work with me.
But that's what makes the weekends so important. We have a little bit of time to hang out. And although the babies aren't too keen on sharing my lap, we usually manage to have some fun.
But that's what makes the weekends so important. We have a little bit of time to hang out. And although the babies aren't too keen on sharing my lap, we usually manage to have some fun.
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